Monday, May 28, 2018
I am Jodie Mann and started my career as a child. Swooning in and out of the film industry by sophistication; dedicating works and progress of a life that always resumes to fade from fiction to fact. My first role as a written contributor to film was in Blow. Within the time scale of management, I helped proceed with production response. Once I finished without Credit, I moved into my first career movement with "Th book of Mikey," designed around fiction based characters. Around this crew I comfortably created and helped with a a story based on time scale. This wasn't easy, but works. Finally, 'The Kelly Files,' are what are helping in 2018 to retrieve me credit. In the future anything can happen. Writer, author, publisher, and actor/director.
The popularity of the Cryptics. Visit http://authors-note.business.site/ and follow her incorporated blog @mannjodie155 https://iamkellyclarkson.com/ Praise for Jodie Mann “Her autobiography was a great read, I recommend!” Michael Douglas “Was interesting to say the least, however she could have described certain efforts in a form you can comprehend.” Kerry Krasowski ‘When writing the story of your life, don’t let anyone else hold the pen…’ - Jodie Mann ‘The first time I picked up a pen, I couldn’t stop! Writing is an expression..?’ - Kelly Clarkson
On holiday!
Just Married
Dedicated to my family,
you’re a great support!
Jodie Mann is the
author of the international selling debut, The
World is upside-down and Yourself is all you need, a book to later restore some further popularity.
Visit http://authors-note.business.site/
and follow her incorporated blog @mannjodie155
Praise for Jodie Mann
“Her
autobiography was a great read, I recommend!”
Michael Douglas
“Was interesting to
say the least, however she could have described
certain efforts in a
form you can comprehend.”
Kerry Krasowski
‘When writing the story of your life, don’t let anyone else hold the
pen…’
-
Jodie Mann
‘The first
time I picked up a pen, I couldn’t stop! Writing is an expression..?’
-
Kelly Clarkson
The Kelly Files
Synopsis of memoir
This memoir is non-fiction. I have written a story of my
life to reach a particular audience. First of all, it is important to tell you
I have bipolar disorder. This is mainly what the book is based on. However
there are twists and turns. I explain the sorts of thoughts, fears and problems
you have when suffering with psychosis. When you suffer with this illness you
tend to create fantasies. Of course I don’t suffer this all the time as I am
medicated, however when I suffer with a breakdown, I believe and obsess over
these fantasies. This story takes you on a trip through the mind of someone
with this illness and the problems you face on a daily basis. It is slightly
fictional as the ideas are what I believe and are not really true.
The memoir starts by explaining a little about what I have
been obsessing about, music. I have always chased the dream of singing, even
though I’m not very good. Someone with bipolar disorder will believe that they
can do anything they want when they are on a high. For instance, I went to an x
factor audition at the age of 19 in order to change my life. I was, however
turned away on the first audition. This happened strait after I had been in
hospital for 3 months.
I explain a little of the problems I faced in hospital. I
did suffer a little abuse from nurses. I reacted in the way I did after I had
left hospital because I wanted to run away from my problems. That was just it
then, I never faced them head on. I always was too afraid to say this is me, I
have this illness and I am just going to live my life.
As I have mentioned, I have obsessions. The first is music,
but then the other is a man. This man was someone I know from high school. I
used to talk about him to a friend all the time and to be honest, it’s all
pretty embarrassing. As soon as I am well again I forget these obsessions and
start to feel and think like your average Jo. It isn’t something you like to
admit to yourself. It sometimes feels like I just want to go to a group, stand
up and say “My name is Jodie Mann and I am obsessed.” That sounds so stupid for
me even to say, but it’s like being an alcoholic. They have a crutch, but this
is mine. A lot of people don’t know how to deal with people with mental health
problems, but they are not as different to everyone else as you think.
I sometimes think what is a normal thought? But that is just
the thing they are just stupid thoughts. Everyone has them. I sometimes feel
like running from them, but they are not hurting anyone. Psychosis does speed your
thoughts and you run from idea to idea in hope to make something of your life.
But sometimes the thoughts are so loud I argue with myself. Who am I talking
to? I always ask this but it still makes no sense.
I go on to explain the conversations I have with the voices
in my head. They are only there when I’m suffering a nervous breakdown, but
they are in the book to show the kind of conversations people with bipolar
disorder have. I have called these conversations simply the conversations.
To sum up, this memoir is to inform and remove ignorance of
this illness. It is a commonly talked of subject, however is still not really
understood. The reason I have written this is to inform people and mental
illness is not something to be afraid of, it makes you who you are.
About Authors Note
We were first discovered by an array
of company’s commissioning different works back in June 2002. We are introduced
and/or offered new proceedings from these companies each year in order to buy
and sell out a commissionable sum equivalent to what they are worth. The
company bases its statistics on market research, foundations of built-in
company extensions and the mail order is set to receive once commission is interchangeable.
There are three departments combining company advertising, company marketing
and written projects, assignments, blogs, books and more. With socialist teams
gradually becoming art of this company, the market researchers study and
participate in the decision making processes after design.
What happens is we buy these companies once they can no
longer give service to their own clients, and along with many client books.
This then allows us to offer our services to these clients as they may still
need advice, but we need to inform them of the interchange.
Taking on the expense of other companies can be risky,
however buying in and out of these residencies from the clients is the key to
our success and combining job roles within customer care increases benefit of
the possessor. If the claimants buying into our company are official
benefactors, a client list will be created and in doing so will conform the
lists of clients we keep on file.
Targeted or Tempted
Targeted or Tempted
He crouches!
He’s down in the corner. With the camera already dreamt in my mind accidentally
interpreted. Is it worth running from one once it’s caught? What will they say?
Photograph
1
So, I’m in
the city of Norwich and I’m headed for a normal interview on a normal day! I
see out of the corner of my eye, a man with a camera. I never normally see
this, of course. I’m normal, why do people want to picture me. Well, isn’t that
an interesting question to ask yourself. At the time I wanted to get into the head
of the photographer to understand why. So I looked into this a little more and
decided to think why this was going on. Was this man writing about me, my
family, both or something from his own perspective? I thought of it. And then I
realized, once you have your first, they will come in thick and fast. I never
caught this in the paper. I must say that is actually the hardest part, even
though you may not believe. Last question, if it was your first photograph,
would you look or would you look away? I will leave my answer open, so you can
continue to learn your own opinion of me.
Step 2
Woops, I
wrote a book. If you need a way to look at this in a positive manner, keep
fighting, you will get nice gentle comments and harsh comments, but you leave
it for others to judge. Is this craze, such a bad thing? Well, that is a matter
of opinion. Lots, feel like keeping their privacy, and a lot would love to have
a life where they can prove themselves on a grander level. The worst part I
found about this is that, you don’t necessarily know what is being said about
you. It’s a guessing game. Having your life blown open by others is only hard
because you don’t know who to trust or what these people are saying about you.
So, I began
with the help of support of myself and others build a better online profile so
I had parts of my life I could be proud of and not be slated for. The majority
of my presence was built by myself.
“No more
trolls, I thought to myself.” I always had been bullied but they give up when
you show you’re stronger.
The Video
Walking down
an ordinary street in an ordinary place. Being filmed. I know why. This was
when it became serious. I was beginning to get bigger online and I had the
questions fired left, right and centre. People wanted to hear my story. It was
a case lost and forgotten, but it was brought up again. A story like mine was
hard to keep. However I decided rather than a 10 year rewind, I would stick to
the current time and something a little different. I have joined several social
sites and started a blog. This morning, even got in touch with me. I had help
to sort this part of my story. So, the phots, videos and papers actually helped
support me into the begging of a career that I never thought someone like me
would ever achieve.
I also have
been followed and photographed, reported and talked about for ten years. Not
nice, but sometimes good. When I look back I could even say the attention
helped my career, so all is well that ends well. So, man with camera.
Thanks.
Sourced from
Star now, written by Jodie Mann.
A year looking forward to the moonwalk, i will have to do it, however check out my undited book;
I amI’m
at emirates and am terrified, it is my first audition at the age of 17.
Unfortunately the audition went nowhere due to nerves. This is athe
true story of a devastating truth that I feel needsdeserves
my side of
the story told. I was a girl forgotten – and not for a
good reason. I was let off for a charge that was not up to me to suffer the
consequences, it was a massive misunderstanding.on top of, and it It
was not out of bad behaviour, simply, myself and others getting a little out of
control. I was justsimply not able
to cope with taking the blame. I hope that after you
read this, and have more of an understanding of who I am and,
you
will be able to see my real personality shine through,. Perhaps
you will come to seeit that this was an incidentall just a
matter of bad luck?. The problem
began on a school trip in Spain, 12 years ago.Once I wasAs I
worried about work, and feeling that all of my energy was
being torn away, I sat and stared at the red canvassed
wall in my sitting room. I was completely exhausted. This is really hard work, I
thought to myself, this is really haard work. I have. I’ve
tried so many times in life to find a niche or to evensimply
continue from where I left off, but by goodness, it’s hard to stay on the
right track. I decided, that I was fed
up with pretendpipe
dreams and lameburnt out stars
in my eyes that were essentially getting me no wherenowhere.“Ok, see“Okay, talk to
you then.”But lucky for meFortunately, I
have a town of soldiers on my side. When someone shows potential, they respect thatit.
I cantcan’t
say whether
it’s not or is like that everywhere. All I willcan
say is that
I only listen to those bringingpeople who raise
me up. If I waswere to give
anyone with my illness somea piece of good
advice, it would be don’t careworry about what the othersother people say. The voices
will try
to stop you. But, but use your own nature
and initiative forto find the best parts of
you. Try
and work Never stop trying. Work hard. I never
thought of
myself to beas being “successful”
in the slightest sucesful, but regardless, you still have
to get past the point of caring what people think. That iscan be
hard and you canmight think that you
don’t care, but it’s a technique few fully pull off.very few people
can actually release that it’s part of their instinct.
In my past, I was quite a champ at dancing.promising
dancer. I danced from the age 6 to 14 and it was absolutely the
best part of my life,; however then , that’s
true for most peoples childhoods are, I suppose.
Adulthood is clearly the problem, or at least it can
be. My phyliosphyphilosophy
is don’tto not
allow itthat
to be a problem. When nostalgia hits me, I may break silentlyinside,
but you cantcan’t
turn the clock back, so what ddocan you do? Recently, I
have recently
felt extremely nostalgic,.
I miss my old life like and in retrospect, it
must
have been seems as though it was much better
than right now. I guess guessthat I just miss
the solidariritysolidarity
of my youthful friendships and unforgettable nights out. And I
guesssuppose I
am in am in a state of denial of my past sometimes. Wishing things had
happened, that didn’t. I always have moments of nostalgia when I look back. One
person in particular though. It was tough even talking to him back then and
there was a friendship missed with him that I never closed the door on. I will talk I’ll discuss
this through
in more detail in the rest of my book,
but let me tell you it is, it’s not an
easy relationship to fathom, sometimes im. It still in complete
bewildermentbewilders me at times.What isWhat’s wrong? I ask
myself.“yeh looking forward to it!”
I and all The You know,
the usual thououghtsthoughts that
tumble around everyoneseveryone’s head.
You miss them, there and they’re gone
in a second. However, I sadly held onto one word not worth my whilebecause I
had to, not through ignorance or carelessness, but through respect. Cancer…cancer. It plagued a friends life
and in turn friend of mine too, as, and
consequently plagued me as well. I really wanted to help them, but
I wasn’t
there in their hour of need. UnfortunateleyUnfortunately,
for the two of us. It, it caused us
both five months of real pain just to knowunderstand
what the point of all thislife has really
been.
It’s - just to havefinding
some peace. Battle, fight, hit, score!
I don’t want that, im anymore; I’m fed up with being each others
puppets.someone else’s puppet. Why should
either of us do that, werewe’re both good poepelpeople.
My father has always been the one to step in and tell me to break
it off
like its , trying to convince me that this isn’t some
ridiculous love story out of the movies. I mean, come on, I havnthaven’t
spoken to this man in four years, yet his presence is still a burden. on myself.
I was the only one still hurting. That being said, I don’t want him to
feel as
though the pressure and the pain waswere
all his fault. ItsIt’s done! ItsIt’s
all gone! HasBut has the animosity? also
disappeared? The intervention is a test. I wanted to know what
happened to me in my past, so I decided to speak to some of my old
school friends in order to clear up my past. ItsIt’s
not pretty. It isn’t , , at least not if
you want to be any sort of lady,. It is a past
that could pearrear its ugly
head again
withoutat any time, and I would still have no
answers.
So, my or escape. My
family were initially mythe only people in on the
intervention onfor my
breakdowns, until I pluckedfound the courage
to speak out to my old school friends about it.
Remembering is not always nice, but seeing what you can
do with itthat
information afterwards is wonderful.ThisThat was when the idea of JoJo
began.
My – my first state of mirage. Oh, so false
dream…yes, the sad the story would be about to continue
for the
state of a personaperson who does existexists
in a different world.
AwfullyAt one point, back
in high school, I and Ryan and I took a turn
for the worst
because of worse due to personal troubles. We still haven’t
settled it since. With his troubles and my parents’
divorce occurring
at the same time, it pulledtore us apart and
created a permanent divide between us. The saddest
part is that it tore our wholeentire year
apart. Friends broke apart, we started fighting, and nobodyno one
was getting
on.as they had once been. I was central
to it,
the entire collapse, as was Ryan to. Accept . The only
problem was that everyone was on his side. He toTo
be honest, he was the one who deserved to be in the
lead. have them on his side. I did feelfelt
like the only oneperson that
everyone hated. When reallyin truth, there
was a whole
controversy going on that none of us actually understood at the time.
We were teenagers, …none of us knew
the turmoil that we were causing. It
was ripping my heart and hisour hearts in two. For for
very separatedifferent
reasons. When my heart began to mend though, I lostcut off
all communication withiswith that man and, but
I really shouldn’t have. It all left with me with more questions
than answers. Even now, I even feel now that
he might have answers to my life that even I still
don’t know myself. A He is a treasure of memory
lost within the moments of my past. ThisHe
is also
the man towho can bring
them back. I know they arethey’re ugly, and
I know they
arethat they’re sad, but I want to be
free from them in order for them to stop. Only then can
we avoid repeating themselves on us both.them in the
future. See, for a realist, like him,
life is as
itnot complicated – reality is. all there
is. However, I’m a fantasist and always have been,;
it’s a way of life. It’s also how I get through the day.
It’s the reason I write,. I love stepping
in and out of reality. That’s the reason I write so much, otherwise I
wouldn’t, as it helps me cope. But with like
nothing else can. Unfortunately, while all that was going on,
the fanatical side of my life began. “Sounds, “I know this sounds
crazy, after whateverything that
happened, but can we go for a coffee and a chat?”I and My alter ego and I were a bit, what
you wouldmight
call, “runaways” as teenagers that, which
is why we work so well together. IWhen I’m acting
out I have no common ground towards the girl.to stand on.
That’s why I hadwas able to help
with her confidence on a particular song as isthat was
not in
her usual style. She also likes to go on dates just like
any woman
would, but she’s not really one to flaunt it.
When a star comebacksmakes a comeback,
they always come back thicker and, stronger,
and always
with a slight different style. SoTherefore,
the idea of “I do notdon’t just hook
up” scared Kelly a little. She basically had to
launch herself across a table to get a guy’s attention, –
not your
usualexactly normal behaviour. ButHowever,
it was
the perfect result.ended up great. It was so fun and fitting for
her age appropriate.; I still
love Kelly for doing it. She had no ties at the time and she was looking so beautiful,
so why
not flaunt it.?ForGiven Kelly’s immense
popularity, she under-wentsuffered through
lie after lie. You don’t get toreach her staturelevel of
stardom without a million opinions. being
thrown at you. This rumour,
not only effectedaffected Kelly,
but myselfme
too. My sister had to step in and be the rock she always has been as I began to
fall apart. She did it to help us both. The worst lie iswas that
of her death, this must have been trolledwhich
somehow emerged and intertwined intowith
all the other
rumours. As I say, myself and said, Kelly and I kind
of come as a package and because of deal; due to the strain fromstress of
my cousin’s death, the rumour iswas somehow born
through lack of attention. to have started somewhere, If people cannotcan’t
understand, the fact that lies
formspill out
when people are under immense stress, then they wouldn’t be worth
convincing. And, letit is impossible to convince them. Let
me remind you of the factthat Kelly is not
always there in you tubethose YouTube
videos,
because of; due to the high demand. Well, Kelly
couldn’t fit everything in around the tours, so a lot of the videos were,
computer created with pictures, so she had time to work on other stuff. And, lastly
on the Right thenSuddenly, in that
moment, he was back. Round and round we go again. This time, I didn’t tell
him to leave, I just told him to just talk to me!
I thought of him as a piece of fiction andmixed with
fact
and it, which kind of excited me. Now you see him, now you don’t.That got me thinking, I’m a girlNow, I’ve
always been one to avoid the press, althoughbut
I knew that
this weird love affair was attracting somethe
kind of attention and I knewthat Ryan hated it. It’s
not. It obviously wasn’t a problem
with me. This is our main problem, mainly, (the
rest willI’ll
leave up to your imagination.)). My stomach
suddenly lurched at the thought of him not being where he deserves. I hated
being a mess sometimes. Post After my time in the hospital,
I was
torn into returned to a world of names and sickeningsick
jokes,
however. However, my family had a recipe for
cunning. It would be a long sad haultrip to the top
and the breakout. Again, I referI’m referring to
the golden rules of the game. Main, where the main
rule, is
secrecy and lies. This is so the The game starts
you off with a private life and, but at the end,
it’sit becomes
your choice of what youto
do. Fame is hard. “O,, but so many said, “Oh
dear,
that’s such a hard industry to get into.”It’sI still believe that people
only said
that because therethey were jealous
or they
would have likesimply liked to do it themselves.Unfortunately I was unaware of the
agreement that I was singing in hospital,.
It was actually a contract locking me into the music industry.
This is when since you been gone“Since You’ve Been Gone”
went wrong for me, but I actually started doing well alongside Kelly Clarkson.
I helped to co-create lyrics and produce some
of her videos. I have also completed a course in admin
and business, acquired 10 GCSE’s and completed two writing courses. These newly
acquired skills and training courses have also helped me to
write this book. I feel that after all the controversy in my
life
has held, it’s due time to set the record straight.WorkThe exact
details of the work is yet to be discussed., but
I have helped direct various parts of the show. The thing
about a living
double life is that it doesn’t always run smoothsmoothly.
I feel I
may have a curse above me or something. The thing with the as though
I’m cursed – truly. The music business is it’s brutal.
Someone will jump in your grave quicker than you can say, “Huh.”
YouDo you
think you know me? You’reWell, you’re
getting there. I’m not one person. Relaying lies and retelling lives
can be a tricky business, but it’s got it also has its fun
moments
too. You just need the right crowd and the right attitude for it.
I’m all
aboutcompletely focused on myself when I’m
creating, –
I have to be, and I lose all placement.sense of place and time.
Loud and bubbly, – that’s me!
You’ll always get an answer from me. I absolutely love the game
and the players, me not letting slipbut I won’t tell you
which one
I turn to most. Well,You see here,
I’m a black book. When I was a kidchild, I kept a
diary.
They, which were always about the
same same,thing:
boys, boys, and more boys. Now it’s, writing is
a completecompletely
different game. The child for me. My childhood
diaries were so fickle, and silly, but now I tend to
blog. I believe having keptthat keeping a
diary has
madefor so long truly shaped me into
who I am today.
“Come in!”
“A deep worry?”
“Yes?”
OkOkay,
so there’s a new guy on the scene that I keep seeing down town.around downtown.
I honestly like this one this time, but it’s almost painful to
talk to him. Sam is hisHis name is Sam and
hashe’s
just turned 17. His friend Toby reckons that I’m too old for him. Common,
this is, but that’s ridiculous,.
I like him, so I should just go for it. I’m fed up ofwith
going lad -to -lad
and them
only wantinghaving them want
me for one thing.
As I lookLooking
back, they seem so silly, but there is a purposereason
for me
adding a few ofincluding these. When were in the book. As teenagers,
we quite
often go off the rails with, either, with
boys, and
drink,alcohol, or worse. However, if you
take the time to look atunderstand
someone like me – someone who has been there, and
regretted it, – you may
realise,
your that you’re worth far more. WhichIn other
words, this all means I will have a subjective that in my life, I’m
destined to help others. It’s simply the way I
am. I love the several things I get myself involved
in and I’m definitely not pulling out yet.
IMy brain
wandered off, as I doit does
sometimes. My mind is so creative and busy, I in certain moments; I simply have
to stop
and stare sometimes, and; otherwise,
I’ll go
bangexplode!….cool“Cool,
hey?” Enid continued, after I’d made my usual habit of
lingering silence.
“! And
I’m starting to like what I see!” I raised an eyebrow at this.” Maybe we could
get on.So
The second! How
can I even answer that?the second question?
The third questionone raises much
speculation.even more issues. We will pull a latterall matter
of stunts in order to show someone that we love them. Love, yet love
still raises questions. How manyAre both
people get
involvedreally invested in the relationship?
Who initiated it? In what wayHow did they come
together?
I and myMy
friends and
I were sat on the grass outside B-block at our college one
sunny afternoon. All of my friends seemed happy enough
discussing this and that, but I always felt a little different., even in
those normal moments. I have athe
special ability to switch off my reality.
Of lateRecently,
there has
beenwas a massive computer crash that involvedaffected
a social media account of mine, and the accounts of many
others. This caused catastrophic effortseffects all
across the internet. No one is to blame, purseper se.
The account I am referring to just unfortunatelysimply had too
many joinerspeople join
too quickquickly
and they
could notthe site was unable to keep up with admin.
However, people the administrative tasks. People still
have their accounts, but they are dysfunctional.no longer work.
This then
effectedeventually affected other social sites and then
viruses. Viruses began to spread and some people’s
whole
computer networkentire networks crashed. ItThis
avalanche is still in motion, andbut
will return to normal as soon as possible, however myself
could not answer, although I can’t say when.
“He asks, what’s“What’s
up with you, Jodie?” my dad asked.“Course, “Of course
I do, you silly thing, now. Now come on, I
think it’s about to rain..”My I never
blamed my father never I didn’t blame him for their
divorce,;
neither did I; my my mother.
That was when Claire and I began to get quite
close. in those
early years. We had a weird relation. It was a bitrelationship,
resembling something balanced between love and hate. We usually
got along wonderfully, but when we bickered, it would
occasionally
bicker.get heated. Granted, JoJo wascould be
rather intimidating to a lot of the other dancers. SheAnd she
never shoot-upsshuts up!
“What is it that’s“What’s
going to happen? Y guys, your are
freaking me out?”!”
First It started
with jumpers, and then dresses, tops, skirts,
and trousers. Where did all these come from? I can’t wait to see what try on
everything that I’ve ordered. I’ve gone for a more sophisticated
style, as
I’m not getting any younger. Although, although
I have
boughtdid buy some quite edgymore “fun”
outfits too. When my wardrobeswardrobe’s ready,
so is my secret. So, thisThis was the
moment to make them proud!
ButHowever,
what if you have a key, a key that only a veryselect
few people can give you.ThisThat key
is called courage. And asAs you may believecan imagine,
it’s not easily given, but you can encourage it. The person
in my life who gave me the key, however shows signs of indiscretion did not
tell me the whole story.
“. What’s
the matter?”But unfortunatelyUnfortunately,
the music industry has ties. Wea lot of red tape. Luckily, we
agree to each other’s terms and help each other out. We have to help each other
with lies in the paper, videos, and lyrics. When co-creating videos,
I sometimes draw out a timelinetimelines of
silly little pictures. I always sing around the house and aan audio
device is never far away. I have recorders set up everywhere.
Health studies
Access to Writing
On
and offSporadic music work
Other
Them due a thanks
Emotons
As a thought processedI realize
that many people don’t understand me, so I
often look
to a
friendfriends for advice.
I At an audition. I used
to be like her. On another planet, eyes fixed, no focus, can’tunable to
hold the real them“me” inside and cannot , yet also
unable to express it to others. ItThat problem
doesn’t mean therethat they’re bad
or scary people. I haveI’ve been like
that before and I wouldn’t hurt a flea. SchoolHowever, school
friends lived
in frustration thoughwere always frustrated when they
couldn’t get through to me. It is a hold backproblem that has
always divided me.my mind in two. I
just didn’t fit in because I seemed so sad all the time. But, but
this workeddid work
well with
a melodramatic scenefor melodrama, which is why I became a
verymy teenage years ended up being so
controversial teen.
Chapter 1
1989-PremenitionPremonition
Cameras. Bang.
I live in a small town and theythe
paparazzi wereare everywhere. It’s, even
though it’s not even a hotspot for the press to hound. At six
years old, you never notice. The camera is aalways one
step ahead, it. It repeats it on
yourself.itself. When I walk through this place
that I
call my own, (home) theresthere’s no one
else in the world, but us. It’s a mix of local country
folk who generally cause no trouble for each other. Not likeUnlike in
a city, inif
a crisis
strikes, we all pull together. I know that it sounds crazy,
but I knew exactly why I’mI was
there. All of these people around me, I ignore them and
they ignore me right back. It’s a strange topic of
interest amonstdance between us. SometimesAt times,
things pull us all together, but at other times, we willall
somehow all
beend up on opposite sides. Weird,
huh, but theres of the
fence.
This may sound weird, but our town only has a population
of roughly 8,000 people. For five years now, myself and a co-ordinate have been
working on a project.arewhen we were I as theThe
real “me”,
the persona that I hide, is amongsta part of
this community in the town of Hyde feeling , yet I once again feel like the
odd one out again. I hate when the depression
sets in seemsand I seem
to even
knowforget who I am. JustI’m still just
me. This is the barricading effect. Within myself, even on the outside, I feel imas though
I’m hurting everyone. I always wishedprayed
for a
breakout,escape – somewhere to hide, to go somewhere
else, to
hide myself from the truth and, my problems,
and my
personal vendettas. So I decided to give a tryshot at
the hardest career attempt topath, just so I could
get away and never return. The EntertainmentIf you hadn’t guessed, I shot
straight for the entertainment industry. Within the music
industry, you need the right confidant’s confidence and
I receivedfound
mine when I was 14. Sadly, this was to be just the start of all my
problems. At 14, I was extremely troubled and, but I
didn’t realize that all I needed was support.
There was recently a blip on BB1. This slightly gave artist’s tracksresulted in
a bit of a collabaritivecollaborative
problem, howeverbut it madedid make for
some amazing music. This is still being looked into and I have
recently helped Kelly Clarkson co-create her new album. It was a matter of
technology. We were much easier communicativebetter at
communicating this time around and so have really
found an amazing sound that we both agree is what we were hoping for. There
have been a lot of problems with computer hacking systems and it, which
has disturbed a lot of technology, but it is notfar from
unfixable. And as I say,Also, it’s pretty
perfect for the artists, as it effectedactually affected
their music in a positive way. Bruno Mars made a huge hit with up-town funk due
to thethose
recent hacking problems. ItThe problem has
mainly disturbed the famouscelebrities and
their music, eg,such as live
streaming, and leaking,etc albums.
I live in a bungalow with my mother and we have , where
we’ve been alone living together for five years.
As I am only at the forefrontfirst steps of
success, I am still live at home, but
I’m hoping that with some writing jobs and my
little extras, I might be able to move out soon.
I decided to ring enidEnid in the darkest depths
of my despair.
The phone kept ringingmust have rung a dozen times,
and ringing,
until I was about to hang up and thenuntil I gotheard
a grizzly;
“Hello!”?”
Enid stirred at the other end of the phone, barely conscious.
“What are you up to?” I asked.
“I’m ill, in. In bed!”.” She was
using as few words as possible.
“Ahh, okokay, well, …what
day are
you free next free?” I askasked,
feeling down
hearteddownhearted.
“I’mNotI’m not sure, can. Can
I text you tomorrow?”
“YeahOf course, if you
want!”.”
I resigned myself to the answer so she could
sleep.
“Night.”
Enid was often stressed, she had a lot of problems and it was
a friendship we both relied on for support.
You’d think that work without technology would be
simpler, but I’m honestly going out of my mind. I need
to get back to work. I don’t know why I keep calling my friends, …I
need to focus. IveI’ve got to start
disciplining myself more! I have. I’ve only
recently startingstarted to make
my own deadlines as it’s yourself, because I’ve come to realize
that in the end is to bring, only you can raise
yourself up again. I never feel happier than when
I work fast and furiousfuriously. It’s
part of my bipolar disorder, partially to show people of what
I amI’m truly
capable of and I have the thoughts lkejust like
the rest of them;:
“YourYou’re such a
show off!” I hear my selfmyself shout.
Bullies. Let them be!
That one door has not shut. The unspoken word isUnspoken
words are torture. If you decide to speak to the right people and
you collideget along
well together, is there ever any need to barricade yourself in your home any more.again?
Get out there, do whatswhat’s right, not
just for you, but for thethose people you
care about. Personally, I tend to scream! Try, but try to
be a little more delicate about it than myselfme.
Another lesson. However, with thisthat attitude, I am no w
talking towards you aboutit sounds like I’m describing
my life as a person who would carecares for nothing, but except
the right thing for me. I had to leave
my dance school at 14, to start up the JoJo label., (, or
so I thought). One . That resulted in one album, that was
short -lived on the
charts, but it was still one to be proud of,.
This album just reminds me of a time and a place I was most miserable and
needed to forget, however for some reason always held onto. In fact, it
still makes me cry to look at the videos. Jojo was attachment number1, itNumber One.
It was finally “me,”, the
chance to be the big star, with spangles,
frocks and endless music. You never see through
the truth when you preoccupy yourself with problems that ont matter. The eye pickedproverbial
spotlight of fame found me up here, or so I
thought and I shamefully let myself believe itgrateful, .
However, I tripped onover some bad
attention that never really was hoveredwasn’t covered
up
exactly how it should, it was just go swept under
the carpet. I have the up-normal ups and downs
like anyone else though. I cannotcan’t
be divided
fromput in a different category than
everyone else because of the way I think, or
act or
what I do.. I’ve been so protected so
well though throughthroughout this
storm. Sometimes, I think that my family areis
a little totoo protective and;
maybe this
isthat’s why I never really got into
the entertainment field or found what I truly wanted to do. I always gave it a
trytried to write my own material and I haveI’ve even
sent away music to labels and they’ve used it. They areThere can be
extremely good people, so in my opinion, I would say, in my
position, gettell you to find a friend in the
business who honestly cares for theabout music, who will
not load with and won’t fall into jealousy if you hitmake
it big. I thought that the best thing for me was
to continue my efforts to write music, whether it be in the form
of stories, biogsblogs, or music and I am
begging to get very attached to it. I. It never quite
worked for me though. I tend to be able to only jam by myself as I lost all
confidence. I’m desperate to make this the new “me”. I truly
feel at home with a notepad in my lap.
Time speeds along. The grass is smellingsmells
fresh and a memory sheds itsmemories shed their
light. I sitam sitting under
the tree at my nana’sNana’s house with
my notepad. Normally, it was music I would write down or
sing.
If music; if not, I would sayscribble
about how I felt or take general meaningless notes of
my
life. I hadn’t developed enough life experience at thisby that
point to notice that I was in my own life,;
there arewas
not two
worldssome other world I could escape to.
When the alter ego flies, shesI alone, howevethere is
this one
world that I hold so dear because
it’s home. I could be there, here, with him, or with her, but
I will still be me. The best part of being me is it’shaving a
life without a life with noreal care in the
world. Although, I have mass responsibilitymassive
responsibilities sometimes, I don’t let it phase, none of it
does. me. The groupofgroup of
friends I’vethat I had
been speaking to told me about their fears and worries. I
understand the meaning of themwhat they mean,
but to protect them, I need my alter ego. She dies sometimes, as work iscan be
hard. I look down at my notepad and suddenly realize ive been in a that my mind
altered
settinghad drifted off somewhere, out of control,
and have
wote a wholemy hand had written an entire page.
Age 14
Im outside my nans house writing a poem in my diary, I was
off school for some time in year 7. I had issues that I sorted out through
means of writing. For the first time, I was seeing my
own living breathing potential. manifested
in reality. It was a moment to remember. There was also a
voice in my head too, like, as though
someone else was with me, but that’s probably because
I always wishedwanted to have
someone with me. The happiest people, are those aroundwho surround
themselves with people. OnGiven
that thoughtfact,
I decidedecided
to go inside and have a cuppa with my nanNan.
I walkwalked
across the freshly mown lawn and intothrough the front
exitdoor
of her home. Without a dought, she’ll doubt, she would offer
me tea
before youI
even askasked.
I walkwalked
in the door and greet my nangreeted her with
a hug. And guess what!
“Would you like a cup of tea?”
I cantcouldn’t help,
but crack a smile. She’s such a wonderful nan,Nan, and has
always been so honest and true.
“Yes, ta, be lovely.”,”
I respondresponded.
This iswas the part
where illI would
get quietly and subtly grilled, but I likeactually liked
our little chats.
“HowsHow’s that
boyfriend of yours?”
“OOh, we broke up,. It’s a
long story, …don’t really
want to get into it!”.” I sighsighed hard.
“Well, sometimes, your it’s better to
focus on you for a while, your. You’re looking
good though!”
“Thanks, no im but honestly, I’m quite
alright at the minute!” “Works. Work is going goodwell,
and
I’ve always got my friends and my mum and did. Did
I tell you about my degree that I’ll be starting?”
“No, whats thatwhat’s it in?”
“English.” It should be
quite interesting!”
“Well, that’s good for you.” “Well done.”
We wittertwitter on about
this and that for a while over a brew and thenbefore
I give her a hug and grab my coat.
“Well, I’ll nip by again soon, nana,” andNan,” I say
as I give her a hug.
As I shut the door and walk out to the front porch, a
thought occurs. If at 17, I’m able to write what I wrote
under that tree, what must at 11, that had
to have come from somewhere. What part of my family historys
intelligence, work and jobs look like? That mushistory did that come from?
What were they like? What were their passions and careers? My mind swirled –
those would be a thoughtthoughts for
later.
Chapter 2
Memory.
I hated it, that time, full of awkwardness
for nothing.
But no good reason. However, I do believe
having him in my thoughts over the years is where my success has ignited from. The
lingering idea in my head of his support and likeness has, it kept me
strong. We both hated it, when I did that attime in
high school. I would blank him like heshe was some kind
of worldglobal
idol. It looked like I was ready on the prowl,;
I think I terrified the poor lad. At that age, you would men were
easy to terrify them. Their. Heck, they’re
bad enough at my current age now. Ryan, he
had it all,; he always has.
I wanted him from the daysfirst day I laid
eyes on him. He was so popular, mainly because he was effortlessyeffortlessly
cool,.
I hated him for it. I was just a little weasel in the corner,
too terrified to stick up for myself. If heI
had a lesson for the younger me today, it would
be to get agripa grip, and find a
backbone. Obviously, I would say it in the nicest way
possible. TheThis quiet
wanting would unfortunately turn tointo obsession on
my part. Little It is a little sad,
and horrible to admit, but what I loved most is that it didn’t faze
him, –
he took it in his stride. He would just play along
with it. He’s on many occasion had me laughing so
hard, at times that
I nearly wet myself. I had really shamed He always
knew how to make me laugh. He always seemed to understand me, allowing me to
just be me. I should have been ashamed of myself, and for how I acted, but it wasn’t
like he was a complete stranger. We had
met back in high school at the age of 11. He wasn’t my usual type, but he had
honest eyes and I wanted to talk to him, but I washad
always tobeen too
shy. He’sHe was
a little shy too, which is probably why we never spoke. Back in back then.
In school, every timewhenever I had a
lesson with him, I would inwardly smile. I think he
knew, that’swhich is
probably why he picked on me a lot. MaybeWho knows…maybe
he felt the same way. StillI’m still trying
to figure that one out 13 years later. I’ve had an abundance of other boyfriends,
both in
and out of our occasional encounters,
and I know hethat Ryan hated
that. This
isThat’s probably why idI would
never get another chance with him. He always seems to understand me though when im
just being me.
In school, I was very quiet and found difficulties
communicating correctlyit hard to communicate normally with
students my own age. Even, now, I find it
difficult to talk to people my own age. Adults used to say that I was a 14 -year -old
going on 80. I havesuppose that I’ve
always been quite mature.
A thought appearsappeared in my
mind. from time
to time. Sometimes, I havebehave as
though I’m bipolar, but I would also self-diagnoses describediagnose
myself as
mildly autistic. I’m probably wrong, but I really am rubbish
at a lot of things. However, as of late, I haveI’ve
picked up a pen and I won’tcan’t stop. Diary
entries are a thing of the past, but when II’ve
needed them, theythey’ve always helped.
TheyThose
examples of my early writing were full of several fickle
notions.
However,, but now I feel like writing is
something that I can do with ease. Once
One time, in technology class, I was on the opposite side of the room and
you and Terry were messing about as usual. I looked over at you, wishing that I could be at the fun table. I accidently thenaccidentally dropped my pencil toon the floor, looked at himyou, and blushed.
Chapter 3
10/06/2005 – Diary entry
The end of school is nigh! I willI’ll definitely
miss these days in the future to come, but mythank
god imI’m
out of this devilsdevil’s haunt. I
hate it! My last two years have been absolute torture. In, both in
and out of school due to my health, bullies, fights, and slumming it everywhere.
I
guessSo far, in high school, I was justI’ve been
messed up and at my worst. I willHowever, I’ll
miss the friends I have though. It, and it scares
me to think that most of us will part our ways.
SadSo sad.
I got my GCSE results today and under the struggledespite struggling so much,
I still managed 6 grade C and 4 grade D. I’m genuinely happy
with these results, as they will get me into college. I willI’ll
miss Ryan, however im
surebut I know it will never happen.
A hole
I decide to deviate out of escape from the kitchen
one morning and into instead retreat to the
haven of writing, as I like to call it. A place of
calm, no
onewith nothing there, but your
thoughts. This world, that world, and several inbetweenin between.
I’m afraid though, as I am writing to you from a
hospital bed. Here I lie, missing you all. SoThere are so
many of you that I want to speak to. TheWith the
torture imand pain
that I’m feeling, the pain and the people that I know which
should be around me. However, I stop to think if any of this
is really fair. Should I be here.? Am I any more
insane than yourthe next guy. Theirperson?
They’re out on the loose all the time,everywhere –
criminals that don’t deserve freedom. What did I ever do.?
Well, this whole thing is shocking to most when I
tell them and to myself whenever I recall about it
when
im after getting well. However, there was
areason,a reason
that I didn’twasn’t stay at my
local hospital in croydenCroydon. I had made a
pathetic attempt at obscunding abscond with a
person who had done it several times. We made it to a local airport and the, but my
illness was currently majorly apparent.impossible
to hide. I remember a road, and I was running,.
I could
hear cars and seesaw planes
alongside me in the airport. Blank. I
continue to walk, even though this has escaped my
memory,;
I was deep in the mirage. I was almost paralysed. NextThe next
thing I know im, I was trying to
climb a gate, ithas a and the plane was on the
other side. There was no way I was of no means
aboutgoing to get on the plane, even
if I got to the other side. I just believed I was having a special meeting. ThisThat
is what my illness does. It tells youme that you are this
and youcertain things are that. Thisreal when
they’re not. I might believe that something is going on in real
life, but no, youafter I come back around
and
its allto actual reality, everything had been
in yourmy
head. It’s both a relief and an an embarrassment
inrolled into
one. So
weRay and I had nearly reached the top
of this gate, (myself and Ray) howver when I
remember being hauledpulled backwards,
but mustveI must have
escaped from thethat person, as
my next memory after this I was actually in the
airport itself. Technically, I did nohad done nothing
wrong,
I did not steal, I did not make ; I hadn’t stolen anything and
had made no threat. I worried a lot of people. I’m sorry, but
do I really
deserve three months in here for that, what? What
do you think? NotI’m not even aloudallowed
to watch television,…I just sit. I ripped here. I was
practically tearing my hair out. I alwaysconstantly
thought about friends, parents, or when im next gettingI might get
a phone call. the following week.
In a week ill here,
I’ll hear
from my nanNan again. What I
would givehave given
to strokemystroke my
cat again. My bed, my mum, my home....
***
2012 is the year that always takes me
back,
always! Ten years is a long time for silence. But to last, but how do you break it.?
Systems,
and lines and friends and foes uponwrapped in a
mystery of forbidden lies and truths will possibly can hold
back even
the simplest of actions. Love! I don’t have a time
machine to go back and tell him how much I wanted him, but as dawn breaks, my
heart stoopsstops
and I feel like I will be isolatedseparated from
him forever. Of course, this is myonly a
figure of speech, but it is a feels like my truth
and imI’m
still burning on the inside forover everything.
I have a small family, its which makes it even harder
to lose someone
and hardermore painful to
grieve. I need them, more than anything else.
I’m only just on the road to self -recovery
with friends now, soat the minute, but
I need my family more than ever at the minute.
“Let it go!”
I like tooften think it may have
beenabout my cousin who sadly passed in
2012.The same feelings filtered through me then.
2003 - The day we fell apartDay We Fell Apart
JoJo, the first of my alter-egos, (attachment) loved to play
dress up. I was just a kid back then. Be
someone I’m not. Then as I got to ten it became an obsession to have my name
and face in lights. It was all I wanted. I remember looking through my nans little
cupboard above her sink looking for my face on anything, I had to prove it, I
was star and no one could tell me otherwise. Only it was never myself. It was a
brand. Anything I thought was a brand, a soap, or a super star, but it never
was me. I would believe it to be my own. Say, who’s to say the famous singer,
Jojo isn’t even me? I just wanted to not lose face. The proof, there lies in
the fact that there is a living breathing person to say to you, “hey you’re not
me!” But, when my bipolar takes me back to a place of solitary confinement,
I’ll believe I’m a chip if you tell me.
I had been in the lightspotlight since
the age of four, but I found it hard to cope whenonce
I got
toreached a certain age and became a little bit
of a nightmare. InterventntionsInterventions are
made for stars, and an intervention of publicity is sometimes all that you can
do in
orderbe done to sort out a problem. ButFor now,
let’s just
say myself,that my true self
(Jodie) was just a passion within me, – a passion of
possibility, – but iswas
lost in a network of computer -made videos with
stunning
models. and shining stars.
Accept I was not being realistic.
“She isn’t me!” I make it up in my head and go along with it.
But what it ends up giving me, is creation for work that is my own. As unawareness
and misery fade out, I realise these stories are not made for me to claim, or
to become queen of my own country. This is my truth and my intervention, but
with the “crime” of bipolar still lingering
in my
life, I fly to a different world sometimes. I relate to JoJo on
many levels. JoJo hit the charts when I was 12 and I used her music at the time
to help me through my bad times. Problem is, when I get ill I can believe all
things that are untrue. We were both aboutaround
at the same time and I really related to her, so I believed myself to be JoJo
as this was a time of grief and sadness. It was like hiding behind a brick
wall. I decided not to tell anyone this mad thought though, so I surpassed the
high school embarrassment, which was to come later. . It That
persona was all over meeverywhere in my life
at herthat
age
and; it was the attitutudean attitude that
I could connect with in orderand I was able to
see a real life and a sense of life in
the lyrics and videos. This is atThat’s what first
what got me hooked. However, you will find later that,
getting hooked on an alter ego is not neccesarily what necessarily how
you want to be wasting your life doing. Ask your self?
Amyourself, am I reallyliving
in reality? Where’sWhere is this
going? And
whatWhat am I doing this for? BecauseThe truth
is, it may not be whatend up how you think it
will turn out to be. Butexpect. However,
I was always in my own little world, making up lyrics, singing, usingand
practicing my vocal talents. I would be the perfect artist. Unfortunately,
I just
don’t have anyno stage
confidence anymore after what happened at dance
school. SoundsIt probably sounds
strange, but sometimes I was even unaware offorgot about
the cameras. It’s a scary business. It and it seriously messes with your
head, especiallyparticularly
as a teenager. How big are things actually getting or? Or
is itthis
all in your head? This isThat’s how I
always felt.
When I’dI would come down
from a high when I workedafter working
myself stupid, I almost couldn’t believe it was me that I
had achievedbeen the one
to achieve it. Record deals don’t come easy, but I certainly don’t
shy away from them,. Problem is I
was never ahead of my game. I’ve always enjoyed the spotlight. It was everythingwhat
I was
livinglived for the right from a very young
age. The music industry is not something you should understandtry to enter
at a young age, it is, but I always wanted to be
apart of it.
Chapter 4
The First Game
Past. Sally washad been my
nickname since high school, and it wasn’t meant as a
compliment. I washad always been an
artist.
There always, and artists are usually the types to
get the
jabsteased. To be honest, I found the
bullying amusing and I think heRyan did too, so;
in a way,
it was our own stupid little game. He was just a boy then,
and I’d always wanted to be a career girl, but Ryan has always been became such
a distraction. We always hadshared a bit of
banter, but I never thought in a
million years did I think that he would date me, so
I kept moving on. I think he likedenjoyed the hold
he had on me., and I acted out against that
control with other guys. Any time we would becomecome
close to building bridgessomething together,
everything would go wrong. He only had this hold as I would never let him move
on.
Memory. He would drift in and out of my life and that would
drive me crazy. I would sometimes want to look for him, I never did. He could
be in the pub, street and a little embarrassing in my dreams. This is the man that I
have wanted since school, and yet I am still
am not
with him. I also don’t think I ever will be,
and it breaks my heart. And him! I wish that day, we’d
settled our differences and madeworked on being
friends. He’s a better man than most people may say. He; he’s
just had a lothis share of misfortunesmisfortune.
In the summer I thought, I thought that I would
takeget up
the courage and finally speak to him again.
I saw him down at the end of the field and I slowly
began to walk towards him. At first, I just looked into his eyes,
and then said;
He looked at me a bitslightly puzzled,
but agreed.
Ryan and I had an argument in school that would be the bain
of my life, because actually what it would amount to is a very sad and
stressful story. Ryan lost someone close, and I wasn’t there. I’ve regretted it
ever since, especially as he is now the man I want to be with. O, the irony.
Three weeks later, nothing camehad come
of it, so I guess that was notI wasn’t what he
wanted at the time. All the problems we could have discussed. We would say the
odd word. What was with that? I know we have problems, but they won’t get any
better by ignoring each other and I won’t feel any better if I don’t tell him
face to face that I like him.
I then remember one time when we
went on a school holiday together. To tell you
the truthHonestly, I don’t remember a lot about
our trip to Spain with , (humiliation)),
but after
thatfollowing the trip was my first
intervention. We were young and care free, but caused a little stir. I had a
bad accident and I nevercan’t remember
much fromabout
it, but
I feel humiliation and pain hit from the
thought,
but alone. Despite that, I don’t want to
be the girl with all the badnothing but negative
attention any more. I’ve decided it isthat it’s
only right to tell people who I really am, rather than thereallow them
to make assumptions ofabout me. But, howeverThat being
said, no matter how embarrassing they may be,
every intervention makes me a better place.
Chapter 5
Where it startedAll Started
This is a soulmate. Someonesoul mate. She
knows my fears, my past, and my greatest joys!
She will always be there, and
looks out for me when I’m down. WillShe will
always bring me back to earth. Without my mother having taking me to my first
intervention I would never be where I am now.
Future.
I’m in my lounge. Boom.
A feeling of empty. Whoseemptiness strikes me. Who’s
there,
but except the numbing force of
television friends.? I see someonefigures
walk by my window. A: a mother and her
daughter. The mother frowns, and the child
laughs. The mother is scared, perhaps because she doesn’t understand
the
way of someone like me. AThe
child’s delicate spirit is not afraid. Fear is a scarcerare
emotion!
One we all in such an
innocent body! However, we use fear much more as we
age, but why? Who is it protecting?does fear protect? Their
child? Themselves, their child, you? You?
I like to think that fear helps no one. We arecan
all in
control of our own fear,;
we just have to learn how to control that feardo it.
1989 – The dayDay I came homeCame Home
When I was in the hospital, a lot of people
helped me get through it and the ordeal, for which I
am forever grateful to them. However, mental health hospitals
are the
real deal.intense. It’s truly nothing like anyone
would expect. PossibilityThere is always the
possibility of abuse, or neglect. The
days drag. It wasThose were the
worst three months of my life and this is why . I received a
copy of Kelly Clarkson’s, my Decemberhave[A1] .
It had a very sad and low tone to the beat. I connect with her on such a
personal level. She’s like a twin. There were awful things written in the newspapers.
Our lives clashed. Or, so I thought. Kelly was to be the next star I would believe
to represent myself. This woman I know now to be a brand. Sounds bizarre, but
it was protecting me from being who I really am. I know now, the stress the
press and others are trying to put upon people is a reason for them to show
their true persona. It is terrifying. When I came out of hospital, I had no
idea what was going on, on the outside, when I was in there and too ill and exhausted
to care. I was leadled to believe that I
was Kelly Clarkson, as a cover -up
for my breakdowns. They were public, yes, but the need to cover was my mother
and fathers choice. This was to protect me, as they thought at the time I
couldn’t cope with the pressure.
Recently I dug a hole in my mind to find my memory, all
alone, apart from a small special group of people. I wanted to remember all the
things that had happened in order to finally get my life back on track.
However, for years, I was in and
out of a
fantasy world as both Kelly and myself Jodie.
It was
the bestThe day comingI came
home from hospital was amazing, I knew that I would have
had to
try so
hard sincemy hardest not to be re-admitted. In
the end,
it was my sister who came and picked me up. At the time, I was notwasn’t
very appreciative because I had an awful time in there. I know that’s spinelesspetty,
but itthe entire
ordeal affected me so bad, itdeeply and nearly
tore my world apart. She One extra day was torturous.
When we got back home, I was still fairly ill. My
mother triestried
to get me out and about in the world, but I was
terrified of being around people. I hid behind that curtain like I always did
after a major
breakdown. Inside that curtain was my heavenhappy place.
No one in, and no one out. No
way, I couldn’tcan’t
come out,
who wouldmight be out there? The
solitude of my mistakes and unhappiness. I was a burden to myself at home.
You fall so deep into depression or heights with great
extremities that you can’t come down from. I almostthought that
I knew then what I wanted to do, but a tear
was threatingforming.
My mother iswas such a hard
worker, as
well as a kind, and caring woman.
I couldn’t be any luckier.
Cameras are everywhere. I’m four. Yes years old.
Sure, they may not be paparazzi, but I was being thrown from show to
show
to dance exam, to show to private
lesson. ItIt seems mad
to look back on, but it was the best childhood I could have ever
asked
for. I won a seemingly endless meddles, string of
medals and rosettes, and I evenstill
have a masshuge
folder of certificates. In my eyes, itmy life wasn’t
something to be jealous of byfor others to envy.
Having done this kindthat type of
thing since I wasthe age of 6, it washad
just my
life.become life.
Even the most bizarre things didn’t strike me as too strange. I
was so happy and this wasbegan to besee
my future, I’d hoped, however it is roll out
before me. However, the end results are never as pretty in
adulthood as they are in childhood dreams.
No one really knows
how it works, only – except those
in the industry. However, it may seem like a set- up.
The music industry does not always run so smoothly. Asparticularly
smooth. Although the record label,deal
was originally awarded to me, butI was too ill to
go ahead
forward with it, so Kelly stepped in
as a stand -in and I have
been a
confidanther confidante ever since. She is
completely in control of her own life, howeverbut
I give her inspiration. Having worked with her on her journey for the last 13
years, I’m overwhelmed by her success. She has even beaten the Beatles on the
American 100 bill chart. I have a great respect for the Beatles too, they are
my late cousin’s favourite band. The problem was, was that Kelly
was so popular, she was wanted everywhere and it wouldn’t work for her, but her
career is not made ofthis magic. She was actually in such high
demand,
lots; dozens of theYouTube
videos on
you tube have beenwere made through technologyabout her
because people
werethe public was going mad for her.
Chapter 6
I’m back eating out of a ketch up bottle. That’s how it goes.
Looking for any job that fits. I went to yet another interview yesterday and I
was absolutely shattered. I saw the fleeting memory of myself in another young
girl. She was where I go sometimes. She was on the second planet. The one you
don’t recognise. As much as I wanted to reach out to her and say something I
thought it better left unsaid. The interview was to do with helping people like
me. A special note, to me.
Adrift. As I step back
in time,step
my mind takes me to when my
school friends who livedhad been living
in frustration, when because they
knew that
I had talent, but as someone else told me recently,
that’s just on personspeople’s “opinion”.
Although I read their opinion wrong.
Yesterday – Interview
The rumours…
Paparazzi…
BUZZZ! (Myself in the lost world.) Kelly is now working to and frombetween
America and Australia. To my best of guesses,She wants to get
married, sure, but that’s as far as it goeshas gone
at the minute. I believe it it comesI think that
some of the controversial mess came from the
song “Tie it up”, which maybe was a little wrong might have
spurred the problems for Kelly at the time. . This
was where Kelly began to find reading all this detail about herself was
beginning to create problems in her life.
Her words on the topic were;
“I
just want to get married, I can’t wait!”
I would say that my main role is to help in the
background. You don’tcan’t crawl to
the top without a fight, and I am still very much
at the beginning of my career. Kelly is the one who has to put up with all the
stories and looks, butwhile I am here
just to guide her and help out with anything I can. However, I had adid have one
conversation that needed wrapping up before I could focus on this book.
What myself and Kelly and I do is a
very rare job and if you do it, you get such a buzz. even once,
you’ll experience the best natural high of your life. It’s like
nothing youthat words
can describe. Only a few lucky people will be allowedever get
to be
involve. experience it.
I remember gigging in Norwich when I first started
out. Kelly Clarkson has had all sorts of problems. I cannot sayI don’t know
exactly why, but she’s missed deadlines, not gone to and cancelled shows in the past.
I believe
this isthink it’s due to the immense pressure
that everyone
around her was puttingputs on her or rumour. Rumour
has it, that
she was supposed to be on that stage a lot more, but was
always too ill. BUZZ! Kelly’s creative side came out before a comeback, but
then she would be too exhausted for her shows.
I did actually appear in her music video low,
before the metamorphosis. I was just sitting on the hood of the car., but it was
still something I’ll never forget.
I remember when I becamecame on the scene
again,
it. It was hard, as no one
understood and no one knewmy pain, nor what
had happened to me. I was athad reached the
point of no return.
Memory
All my parents wanted was for their baby
girl to be a succesful?. I hated that.
The pressure makesmade me hate
myself, –
I’m a complete mess. A heavy weight of expectancies awaiting.expectancy
was always waiting to fall on my shoulders. I remember how much
Ryan cared back then. and I could sort ofeven
see it in his eyes. I had always pushed myself with everything, even as a
child. It was not my parents fault, I was just difficult at times.
However, after my dignified attempt at finding my path in the
entertainment industry to start, it all began to fall apart
in 2007. My friends just watchedcould only sit back
and watch
as I became my own sheep as I was, seeking
the
one for singular attention I had never craved in the
past.
Gesture
I have also created
several other artistic pieces that no one has yet seen. Using my mystery
talents, I useused to create
pieces of work, I have brought levels of excitement back into my life by being
this way. This is my fight, this is my
lie, and my life. This is my crime! And it has been airborne since, the age of
ten when I asked the question….Who am I?
Chapter 7
Leaving dance school was horrible, thoughalthough
I guess it was a huge compliment that I was readyaccomplishment
to be prepared to go professional at the age of 14. Back then, itdancing
was all I ever thought about. My parents are both so amazing. They are so and supportive. Now though, with , but now,
since my memory has come back, I can think ofremember
all the things that they’ve done for me.
Round 1 – I’d never been so nervous. My dance school was always
to gowent
to Blackpool winter gardens every two to three years. Back then nerves never
worried me. One year, we all had several duets and trios, however nobody but no one won
anything.
It was basedin any of the categories, I think
apart from one duet. Schools from schools all
across the country. However, we were there to compete. We did have
one victory and that, which was our
group routine and we. We came in third
out of seven. I was ecstatic, soas were the other
girls. This was what kept me alive when I was young. They were the best years
of my life.
The gamesGames
The games were simple to start. Pushing someone down a slope
in trolley, kissing people I barely knew, but thought it a good idea at the
time. They would lead to a more serious vendetta later, however. This time, there’sthere was
no one there, like a game myselfthat he
and he
profuselyI play. constantly. I remember staring at
you likeas though
your pain was nothing, althoughbut I did feel
it. Blank. A moment of calm. He was always
there, –
in my mind, I mean. My mother may have known
him, but she never knew the heartache that I felt for
him. Sometimes
I thought she didn’t understand. It’s It started with a
small blocklack
of contact at first, a minute block, and then it’sit became
a wretched and bleak solid brick wall. This is the part that no one
understands and, as well as the
part wherethat
people don’t understand about him. There is neverno such
thing as a one -sided affair. He
was on my side, but in a way that people couldn’tcould never
see. IThis man
and this
manI have been in and out of friends,
with each other since we were 21. But, but it was
never the right time for one or the other.both of us at once.
We both missed the callit by an inch too late andof time here
or there; even though neither of us would have wanted to admit
it, it’s athe truth. People
talk about him in such badterrible ways, but he
was not blessed like I’ve been, so it pains me when his name is in tatters.people speak
poorly of him.
After having thought of him forspending
hours thinking
of him one evening, I decided to drearily go toeventually
fall into bed and think of him someeven
more., longing
for the impossible. I woke up in the morning, and to find
the sun was
shining through the curtain. I felt better for the bright morning. And , and in
a strange way, even though we never got together, in some way
if I like to think that when I wake up
happy, he will be too, wherever he is.
Again I would lie awake just thinking, what if? Is he out
tonight? Where is he? Then I realise I’ve wasted 13 years asking the same damn
questions. The loss of my memory interring with the care I felt for this man. I
would fall into fits of depression over what to do next, we were muted. I hated
every minute and just wanted him beside me. I hear it through the walls, a
phone call for next door. Skin thin walls I would say.
The neighbour announced;said;
“Yes, tricky one isn’t it.” as I walked past my house.
I smiled, guessing that it may be
about us, but then came back to earth and
realised that not everything is about me. It
still interestedintrigued
me to , and made
me think that we are talk ableof being gossip
material. I mean this, we wouldn’t exactly be
your average match.
I was outside yesterday? I kind of felt like you were
there. I hope you were, well,or you know, in a
sort of on my wave length kind of way. When you’re around, I don’t feel
like I have to rush, you. You bring me
the calm that I neededneed.
Then,
my mind quiversshoots off
to a million new questions. Do
you really love me? Were you warning me away? Did you hate me?
Thousands of times, I asked myself,
“What do I do?” I never heard in my head how silly I was being. Kids were more
sensible than I was. This scene was holding me back from living like a human.
It’s late at night and
as
I startbegin
to fade to sleep and the last words, I hear a final
comforting sentiment before the darkness hits is;
. “Look, …you
know this is notisn’t your fault,
don’t
youright!” Always my lingering thought, I’d
done this wrong and that, if I’m honest I think people were jealous of the
Jodie they saw. But, hey they didn’t know her at all. Not one wound.
Chapter 8
2007 – The metamorphosisMetamorphosis
Is this what my life was becoming, a wrangled pit of lies,
confusion and misunderstandings. It hurts. I was unaware that I was morphing
into a star. I could sing her songs, I looked like her, and I even had
my photo’sphotos
in the papers. AnIn an unbelievable
example
of my ignorance of minenever having never picked
up a paper, my stardom was passed to another advocate. I believed Kelly
Clarkson was originally my label, however, but it was the
bipolar causing the transition. A thought so withered, broken and untrue, I
didn’t even know if Kelly Clarkson existed. My mind was a tub of Tom and Jerry
messiness. There is not one Kelly
Clarkson picture online that looks anything like this one in particular. I like
to think it is out of respect of my unbelievable and embarrassing breakdown.
This could be in my head or it could be true. My life got a little scrambled.
Forever, from when I publically announced myself as Kelly Clarkson, which I
clearly am not, or as it may be to me, an alter ego. I have been moving through these transitions.
Although the swinging back and forth of my persona to hers actually gave me a
good singing lesson, so all isn’t too bad.
Bang. ‘Lift your spirits,” someone
special tells me.
***
“What are you making,”?”
Enid saidasks.
“Oh, just beef burgers!” I reply “Want . “Do you
want one.”?”
I hadn’t realised that today I would fight. Not end up fighting,
not with someone else, but with myself. I hated being “me,”.
I was shy, confused, and the shortest in my whole year. Perfect
material, making me the perfect target for the bullies.
SoFor that
reason, one day I took onmade up a fake
persona,
one of resembling the person whom idI’d
always admired the most. My – my sister. I
looked into a friendsfriend’s eyes, during
one cookery lesson and that was it, – I was no
longer Jodie Mann,. I decided that
I wanted to go by the labelname JoJo. And thatThat
was it,
it would be, and for the
next 14 years, Jodie would bewas
imprisoned and never allowed out, not
until the sentence was served. The morphingHowever, the forced evolution
of a stronger, meaner identity didn’t get me what I wanted. I wanted friends. True - true
friends that you canI could trust. ButHowever,
my becoming
ofrising popularity justonly
caused me more grief. WhateverRegardless of the
side of the coin you’re on, you’ll foreveralways want to be
on the other. That’s why any form of metamorphosis is a howling
world
windwhirlwind of stress. You forget who you
are and easily
become lost. When my older sister, Erica, left school,
I still
felt week andweak, as there
was no one to protect me. ThisThat is when
things started to get hard. There were petty arguments about boys, girl’s cat
fighting,
and noa general
inability to communicate effectively with one actually listening to each
otheranother.
I entered a world of interventions in order to take away my
disguise. Because of this intervention, I felt likeas though
I had dragged every single student in my year down into a pit of depression
with me. I never believed in fights, nor how it makesthey made
anything better. I would just sit by the radiator and make upwrite
songs.
For those who don’t know, an intervention is, isoccurs
if something bad happens and you yourself are to personally
too unwell to make the cutwise decisions,
you will have someone metamorphosis into you. This is the technical part. And, as well as
the part, where I’m sorry, but (I can’t give you the key.) perfect
advice, as it doesn’t exist.
At this point, atthe age of 14, my
talents were already being recognised, but I hadn’t ahad no
clue. My bipolar disorder was so out of control that I
didn’t know what I was doing sometimes. Butat times. However,
there is one thing that I willcan
tell you,
it: this struggle makes you a very hard
worker and
in the end and, it fills you
with pride if you let it. Some people are afraid of my sort of personpeople like
me, but that’s onlyjust because very
few can make
afind success through it.when faced
with such an obstacle. Unfortunately, it consumes somethis disease
can consume people .. I always felt like the
odd one out, but as you get older, you can see through those rose -tinted
spectacles as to why you were the odd one out. Not to put a too finer pointer on
it, that outside. In short, all of our desires are
based on jealousy. The thing with me is of things
missed, misunderstood, lost, or accomplished.
I’ll admit, I have missed soout on far
too many opportunities by not working hard. It’sWhat I
suffer from is a hard illness to work through, but with myself I
have recently hadexperienced
something that makes me feel so much more worthy than I previously thought.
All I wanted to do all the time was sing,
and even my family got to me a bit about it. .
I believed that I could do it. Lots of people will say
2007 – The agreementAgreement
This is the problem that I had, but when you
want to dodoing what I’ve been tryingattempting
without being called a copycat is a hard dealnearly impossible,
so I believed that the only way to show how similar
the two of us could be was to write a book. A double life can also be
led off-stage, that’s mewhich is what I’m
currently doing.
Kelly’s twelve -year touring isschedule has
been a bit like a prison sentence, but it’s great that she loves
what she does.
Chapter 9
2015 – The First Conversation 1
Ignore.
“Now,But that’s not
something I do …is it?”
“Well, if you dream of stockings and tiaras,
then you
usually end up with nothing.”
“I heard laughing in the
background”.”
“I begin to understand
what all the fuss iswas about?”
“When you reach the top,
how do you get higher?””?”
”I say start from
the bottom.”
“Why can’t you
see that you’re beautiful?”
“What!”
“You’re a clever girl,
you know!
!”
“Why didn’t you say something?”
“I need to get stronger”.”
“You need to carry on”.”
“I have to carry on,;
this time, I know isit will be
harder”
“There’s no fixfixing you
this time!”
“There is” “. Just
wait”.”
“That’s why it’s so much
fun”.”
“Look, what you did to
them over there!”’
“Why mustcan’t
I not laugh?”
“I knew this about her”.”
“You know best”.”
”No, you didn’t”.”
“I’m so pleased that you
did this for me”.”
“This is a mess”.”
“It maybe”
“Incredible, isn’t she!”
“Sometimes,
my words come out wrong?”
“Yes, I know flower!”
That was our first intervention and. To be
fair, for four people, who supposedly would notcan’t
get along, it went reallyquite well.
I don’t think that anyone
knewunderstood
the real life that I was leading. My life has a
double effectedge.
One thatside
wants a beautiful marriage and a baby and, while
the other whodesperately wants
to be a career girl. I never imagined idthat I’d
be lucky enough to get both. That - that would just be far
too special.
I’mlucky. I sometimes playing limbo in feel like my
life, there
that many is in
perpetual limbo, with constant ups and downs to navigate. My
alter ego comes out and I hate her, because she shows an ugly, ignorant
side. It’s not true ignorance, it’smerely a coping
mechanism. Many people, I know that many
people would sympathise, but it has been a notionremains something
that I’ve hidden.
The diaryDiary
I always
hideAlways Hide!
***
I hear a sound from the
dining room. It’s my phone and itI just ringslet it ring
and ringsring.
I’m a
littleslightly afraid to answer, itas the call
was from
the palm reader for whose appointment I was already
late
for an appointment with. It. I was delaying
going because I deemed it, a little over
the top and bonkers, but; however, when
on a high, I would try anything for the
transition to end. There is one demon left to leave though, being–
the intervention leader. I decided in order to remove it, so that’swhich is
where the idea to see a palm reader came about.originally arose.
The idea sounds a bit out thereextreme or unbelievable,
but I was squatcompletely out of
ideas. I was so eager to bring myself back to
reality.
As soon as I got therereached it,
I felt undeniably
on edge,. I knocked on
the door and I heard someone say;, “Come in!”
I walked in and the lady,
at first glance, the woman seemed friendly enough. MidShe was mid-forties,
maybe.
Looked, and looked credible, like she
had more answers than most.
“Would you like a cup of
tea, dear?”
“Oh, no ta,.
I doubt that
I’ll be here long.”
“Just take a seat here
then, please.”
I was a little on edge still, id, as I’d
never done such a thing.
She asked me to lay my
hands out on the table and then she surprised me.
She said what, “What
do you see?”
I was baffled as I thought
that would, but it felt like an important moment not to
ruin
the point, but, so I did as she asked. I looked down
and to be honest the only line I know is the life, so I looked at it?
“And,”…?”
she asked, trailing off and letting me answer.
“I think this is the life
line!”.”
“It is, did. Do
you have any thoughts?”
“Well, I remember talking
about lines on the palm when I was younger and I seem to recall looking
at my life line, of course. Obviously,
that’s the most important toline for most people, as
everyone would like to have a long life!”
“Go on!”
“Well, one thing struck, itdid strike
me. It looks longer than when I last lookedsaw it.
I don’t know if I’m imagining it, but I believe that it
used to be quite short!”.”
“I thought that too!
Problematic childhood?”
“Yes?”
“Deep worries?”
“Yes?”
“I can see that this
worry is becoming fixed and, but in fact, there
will be a different kind of stress in your life, –
one that
you will thrive on!”
“ThisDoes this
make any sense?”
“Yes, a lot, whatactually. What
should I do??” I asked
politely.
“I hate to do this when I’m
being paid to help. But, but you don’t
need this, sweetie. I found this line here and
it was the first thing I noticed because I’ve never
seen anyone’sanyone with
a line like itthis! You have
courage, more than anyone I’ve ever seen, so any. Any
situation that you getfind
yourself in, I can promise you,…
you’re a fighter and you. You will
prosper..”
I’d never heard someone
talk like that to me before, it. It
was like going to the movies, but in a way, it really helped.
Chapter 10
Diary entryEntry
1: 18/4/2007
2007 - Diary entryEntry
2
: 29/3/07
- 11.35pm
Barry just called. I
really do miss speaking to him. My work with music ishas been
getting me so down right nowlately. My headshead is
spinning, and
I feel sick. It’s a want, – a deep need.
Why won’t he speak to me? It isThings are
completely spinning out of control. My boss is now having has to
work doublytwice as
hard as I
amI’m working doubly hard,
if that even makes sense. I’m going to have toSomeday,
I’ll learn one daynot to not
let men hold me back from being successful.
2015 - Just at Enid’s Place
Baffled by my own
remission , I ask Enid;
“Do I seem normal to
you?”
“What’s normal??”
She shrugged and smiled gently.
That was what I loved
about Enid, the – her shrugs. HoweverDespite that
traditional gesture of ignorance, she always got seemed to get
me.
“I amI’m
your friend, so if you need to talk, there’s plenty
about youI’m always here!”
“You, too,
Enid
and you remember. Remember that!”
“I actually get insanely
jealous of you sometimes!”
“Yeah, me Really?
That’s how I feel about you too!”
I looked up at her in
that way that she thinksmakes her think that
I’m mocking her, but what I’m actually saying;
Is, “You know that you’re
beautiful!”
She’ll never believe youme, not
in a hundred years. Maybe slightlya little bit after
a few sherbets.
“Hey, what’s wrong, you’re? You’re
not with me at all.”
“JustLook, Enid I
know that it’s a struggle for you also at the moment, but I’m having a hard
time.” “I can’t think, talk or do anything, I feel like a Muppet.”
“Oh, the shoes, …yes there, they’re
great,,”
I said really
inconvincibly.unconvincingly. I was so wrapped
up in work
in my own head to even; I didn’t
actually care about her dammed shoes.
Then I then
recalled looking at Enid’s legs on a particular night
out and I startedbegan to burn up
with envy. This was so theI immediately realized that
she was not the person toI should be with right now.
So, I decidedat the moment. I made a quick decision
to hug and kiss her goodbye and gobefore going
back to my work. I know that she’ll always be there, no matter
how grumpy I get! This just wasn’t the time.
“By the way, have you seen
Bridge lately,? Seems like she’s
turned a littlebit reclusive?”,”
I asked
in concern, concerned.
Pain.
It suddenly hit me that
my friends were mocking me. Is that how werewe’re supposed to play it now.? Friends should share stuffthings.
I suddenly rememberedforced myself to remember
what was important to me. Enid had
always made herself out to be the stupid one, but she wasn’t by far.– not even
close. I wanted her to seerealize her true potential.
It was time to think of how
idI’d
hurt my friends and how they hurt me. I have been properly listening
properly
to people for the first time whilstwhile
writing this book. I cannot name them, howevercan’t name
those people.
Echo.
Echo. Echo.
Freak Storm
“Stop, why Just stop
it! Why are you tormenting me?” Ryan asked.
“Why am I living athis
life of regrets? In my mind, when you areyou’re
not around, it feels like werewe’re mocking
each other which, but somewhere atin
the backbacks
of our minds, we know isthat’s totally
wrong. WereWe’re
good people!, right?”
“I really don’t get your understand
the way of thinkingyou think, Jodie!!”
Ryan looked at me puzzled, clearly confused.
“It’sThat’s
because I have two different ways of looking at the world, you’re. You’re
always aware of and present in the
real world, but I’m not. It’s scary because of
what I think and say, but its harmless artmaterial
that I can sell on whenuse once I’m
better..”
I explained.
“Why don’t you get me?”
“I’m starting to!”
“Look, I know this is
really hard, but when I spoke to you about the fundraising, didwere
you take
offenseoffended?
“A little bit.” Ryan
stooped.
“Look …I
know that
you can’t make friends that way and, but
that wasn’t the reason I suggested it, but can. Can
you forgive me for making an issue overdigging into
your private business?”
“CourseNot really.”
“You do realise I didn’t
actually want to put you through all that?”
“Why did you then?”
“I wasn’t old enough to
understand!”
“Well,
that’s the reason, I wanted to have this discussion, to
knowmake sure
that there iswas no
animosity.” I said as I felt so rude and ignorant poking my nose in where it
wasn’t wanted. However, this was the first time we had talked about the
fundraising events that got out of hand.
Unfortunately I was
blissfully unaware. People died through some of these money making ideas. I had
my eyes, shut like in a dream. As my memory was beginning to come clearer, more
and more was starting to make sense. I also began to remember the people we
have lost and realised I cant keep letting my life come to a fullstop as I’m so
lucky to still be here.
“Can you understand my
side
of things though?” “I just don’t know whatwhy
you did it for!” Ryan admitted.
“Imagine being paralysed,
but in your brain.” “. Before I woke
up, that
wasthat’s what it was like for me,
I couldn’t see the meaning or why it was going on, Ryan, …do
you understand that?”
“Bless your heart, is
that what
it really what it felt like.”?”
“Yes, I was in a world where I was cut
off from my instincts and own awarenessability to
protect myself.”
“I had no idea.”
“It’s okokay,
you wouldn’t, how could anyone understand that. I guess no one really knows what’s
going on in someone’s life until you ask them!” I said with anand
attempted a weak smile.
“Well, if it’s any constellation,
you areconsolation, you’re still so young and
have achieved so much, you. You should be
proud of your achievements!”
“I just want you to know
that I’m sorry I hurt you, and that I always make such a big deal out
of stuff!”
“It’sThat’s
not really what I’m about,; I just wanted
you to know that I cared!” and I looked at
him for
the first time in the waythen as I should
have done a thousand times before.
In short, I may
have missed timemy chance, but I’ve
still got
a hell of
a lot left, so I’m not goingdon’t expect to cryfind me
crying in the corner.
Chapter 11
Groundhog Day
Shock.
What if you took away, your
shame, pride, love, and dignity? It is an evil force to
break? Groundhog Day is a stream of emotion as you never know when it will end!
Why does it crop up in so many people’s lives?
Well, the answer to the first question, is:
how did you do it? That’s ground hog day.Groundhog Day.
But there is another problem,: how can you
answer a rhetorical question?
The race began. Why did I
always think
like that? Why did I always have to do that? Why retry to be
ahead of the game or is? Or was that a
good thing? I’d been a racer since I was 11,;
I was the
one with the ideas. I began having sleepless
nights.
, where I would wander and pace. Everyone
knew that
my behaviour was odd. I would wander and pace. Worryit worried
people, –
they didn’t know what to do. Unfortunately as,
Groundhog Day had hit for me again and, but this time,
I was powerless to help myself, the. The media got
to my sister. It’s was so dangerously highly controversial that they
had to hide the truth someone, or a somewhat of havocchaos
would breakhave broken
out. As much as I honourlove my sister
for what she did, I havehad a secure my
own life, thatwhich can be at times highly
unpleasant, and on at times. In those moments,
you really need to know who tot rustto trust. I think
that when
you
areyou’re forced tointo
something without your consent, it’s distrusting. I and my you’ll never
fully trust the motives. My sister areand I were
exposed to that, but now we just have to keep on living withthrough
the good and bad times. As it was Groundhog Day, I needed something to focus on, –
a project. The cold winter and loneliness had got me feeling all sentimental. So,, so
I arranged for a group of old friends of mine to meet
and have
ahold some kind of intervention. None
of us had spoken to each other in ages. But, but
it was just a social study for university and also, as well as
a chance to share what I had been up to with my long missedoldest
friends what
I’m up to and to find out what they’re doing.
The conversations in this
book interrelateare
connected to this. We werehad always arguing
years agoargued in the past and we eventually grew
apart, but
now I kind of miss them and the intervention hasreally
helped us
all of us. I haven’t walked around with that big bigger grinsmile
of mine for years.
Even, by this point, with
my moments and my sister’s humiliation inall over
the paper, my mother is doing alrightokay. When werewe’re
out, she’s slightly edgy, howeverbut she must
eventually is beginning to understand the kind of
world that I live in and is learning not to be so worried
by what people think or what people try to do to you. It’s a treblepart of our
reality that
others misunderstand.
Chapter 12
It began at college that
day. I felt like the odd one out, as usual. This is, and that’s
when my double life startedbegan.
Those
damn cameras,
…they were everywhere.
What made everyone want me to get a record deal was I didn’t believe I was good
enough, but I spiralled out of control. I would sing to the camera in front of
me and even unaware I was doing it. Now I look back, that freaks me. Feeling
that out of control is terrifying. OnlyI have several identities, fistfirst
being,
myself,
Jodie Mann,; the second is JoJo
and the
third is Kelly Clarkson. Unfortunately, I
got too much of a professional singer to realise what was happening to me.
Occupational hazard! I occasionally help her onwith
her tracks. I have experience groundhog a lot.experienced
Groundhog Day more than I care to admit. It’s that the same as
the drastic transition offrom no work to
suddenly becoming snowed underbeing overwhelmed
and drowned by a million and one things.
2015 - The hacking dealHacking Problem
A
thread of thought drags me back to my past…
I’m ten again. As my
father and I walk along the same walk we have donepath that
we’ve taken for years, I stop and smile.
I look up at
him and say;
, “I’m sorry we don’t spend
enough time together dad, you, Dad. You know I
love you,
don’t you.”?”
He walked over, gave me a
kiss on the forehead, and said;
Why did I do this? My
mother cared,wondered –
all of them did, – why I always workworked
harder. I’ve always been a high achiever, but when I come down from the after that
indescribable high of an achievement, I’m almost immediately left
feeling stale. And there are those cameras go again. Only the, these are
ones that display no dignity. Your life seen through filters and false
perspective, plastered over the TV,
and newspapers. You can’tWho could make
sense of it.?
Chapter 13
The spotlightSpotlight
BUZZ! And then it’s gone,
I have this notion in my head for only a short while. There’s only so much time
you can go around saying your someone you’re not. So this in turn was why in my
head JoJo was short -lived, but the
videos were like my life at the time. JoJo was a label, but not me. I was so
confused. JoJo was my alter ego, – a completecompletely
different person. Confident, who was confident and
beautiful. That’s certainly not how I felt. Step this
way to reality, please. That was however my
problem,
…never wanting to be myself. But this
is why I would do it.
Clare Watson was an old
school friend, but we both started at the same dance school at the age
of six.
“Do you get that buzz
from dancing?”
“Yes, I always get that,”
she smiled.
“Is this your first try?”
“Yes, what about you?”
she asked me.
“Yes, just wandered, do
you like the spice girls?”
“I love them, why? Clare
responded
“Well I have this book
where I collect special pictures of them and I wandered if you were into it
too?”
“Yes, I have got one of
them, have you started swapping yet?”
“A couple of times, I’ve
just begun, so I don’t have many yet, are you happy to swap sometimes? I ask
politely.
“Yes, ok that would be
fine.”
Then the teacher’s voice
came in to silence us and before we knew it we had the music playing to the
first dance we had ever learnt.
I was never afraid back
then to make a friend. I had always been so vibrant and funny. That was why I
could make friends quickly. These days I feel I’m growing up and have calmed
the act. I believe that performing is an act that is not yourself, leading me
to a path of denial, regret and self-pity.
When the double life was exposedrevealed
for the first time, my life didn’t make any sense, it was. I felt
like I
was living in two worlds. You see practically have
double vision inof the yearmind.
However
pre-, before going into the hospital, I did notdidn’t
fully understand how the industry worked and tookI did take
a few wrong turns, thenwhich unfortunately, my fate
was led to loseme losing
the contract and bebeing admitted to
hospital. As I was at suchin
a loose
endterrible place after the hospital, and
I needed an intermission. Clothes haul!some sort of
break. Shopping, perhaps?
My wardrobe really
wasn’t working for a perfect super star singer that had it allsong writer
really wasn’t working.[A2] .
(The waves in my head still wishing for the life I had imaginarily fallen into.
I decided to go through all three of my wardrobes and chuck out the
stuff I
really don’tthat didn’t look good in any more.
So,on me anymore. I decided to dobreak up my
wardrobe into three thingscategories.
Chuck, keep, and customise. It’s time!
As I beginbegan,
clothes flailflew
everywhere. I’ve, landing in their correct
piles. I had never been one to overdo-itbe obsessed
with the
clothes, althoughbut times arewere clearly
changing.
What is up with the
doctor?
I was hiding from a self
that just wI’d say now though
2015 – The
Conversation 2
He ignores. I stare.
“You know”.”
“She’s finally telling
the truth!”
“So nice of her.”
“This is why I’m so
emotional!”
“I know!”
We couldn’t stop cutting
each other off, …we were so
excited.!
“She hasn’t even cottoned
on yet, has she?”
“Cottoned on to what?”
“Nothing!”
“No, what, seriously? Seriously,
you’re scaring me!”
“I miss you!”
“You were a little creepy
around me.”
“I know.”
“But try not to keep
telling me what to do all the time.”
“Hey, it’s a two -way
street, mate!”
“Bless her.!”!”
“You areYou’re
incredible though.”
“I see both of your
pain,
and I hate that!”
“You kind of deserve to
do this!”
“Do what?”
“Now I’m really freaked out!”
“I really like you!”
“I can’t believe I’ve
fallen for you, Jodie!”
“Thanks,”
I say, with
a peeras I glance over towardsat
him.”.
This all started because
of thea
love interest. I’d never been excited like this. I did notdidn’t
know if he was single. We, and we were
just friends, but I crushedhad a serious crush
on him
badly. That was when I shuddered. Wipe-out, that’sWipe-out. That’s
what happens when I see him. I shy away. I amI’m
aware of the bell ringing downstairs, but cannotI can’t
move. I
feel like I’m in a state of total comatisation. Icoma.
I eventually go
downstairs and pourmake myself some breakfast.
I check my
post asthe mail, because I heard the bell ringing earlier.
TwoI received two
presents for what was shaping up to be a very lousy 2014th Christmas 2014.
I brokehad broken
up with my boyfriend, was low onout of work,
and my friends were too busy to see me. I fell tointo
a complete
statedeep period of depression, but the funny
thing, as always in, during my episodesdarkest
times, I havehad my old school
friend, Ryan, by my side.
So now, my main role
is to produce and come up with ideas for television programmes. Now,
you don’t crawl to the top without a lot of hard work and that is where I want
to be, but still beaming at the thought of where I am now. I have disguised
demons from the media, as I was unable to cope with the
exposure back then. And the media can be awfully cruel. You won’t know me, I’m
always a behind the scenes kind of girl. An off the cuff writer, if you like,
but my work has never really been noticed.
A song I wrote for
Kelly that was never used;
Falcon
Verse
So where do you think you’re
going/loves succumbed to me/it’s so numb/my control is gone/and I’m going outta
my mind/with one more rose/two more thorns/I can show you/what you’reyou
really mean/I need a purpose/loves the game/but it’s endless without you
Chorus
Don’t you dare tell
me/inside of me is strong/lose your fear/lay down here/and just close your
eyes/close your eyes/youryou’re like my
falcon racing/brave to save me/kiss me/spare me/help me pray/I hate the cold
when youryou’re
near me/so will you stop/being so divided
Verse
Keep holding onto
whatever/you feel deep enough to fill/be a dreamer/you need no cause/lightingto/because lightning
hits once/it drifts into a melody/the voices raisesrise
in my head
Chorus
Bridge
Kicking you/is like a
mental block/you’re in my dreams/never in my walk/so back off now/I have a
right to say my piece /everything hasis
gone.
Chorus x2
Fade out
A never -ending
conversation
“This is why I break!”
“Don’t call her crazy!”
“She has been acing crazy lately.”
“Sssh!”
“I can help!”
“A little obsessive.”
“Do we have to talk about
this?”
“You, don’t have to!”
“It just gets me really
emotional!”
“I know.”
“Someone had to do
something.”
“Did you set this
out for me?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t know why you
care.”
“I just do, ok.”okay?”
“I’m excited werethat we’re
talking again.”
“Good, me too!”
“Good moment to think of
all that!”
“You need to know who you
are effectingaffecting.”
“I know that I’m
effectingaffecting
lots of people.”
“HalleluiahHallelujah!”
“I do really like you!”
“I don’t want to scare
you, Jodie.”
“You don’t.”
“I love your wayshow you are.”
“Are you with us?”
“Sort of, but not
for long
now.”
“I don’t know how effectedaffected
you are by all of this.”
“You always miss-readmisread
me!”
“I’m so proud of you!”
“See. I’ve never seen you
like this!”
“What?”
“Sorry, I’m showing off a
little bit!”
“I want to stop upsetting
you!”
“Change the record.”
“I’ll show you up.”
“It’s sweet, that’s what
I like about you.”
“I’m just trying to
remember the old you.”
“Weird, I know, but I
don’t really know at the minute!”
“IsIt’s
a bit weird, that you still like him.
“Yes, I know.”
“That’s me!”
“Friends?”
Laughter.
“I do like you, even
though you
areyou’re different.”
“I’d love a cuddle.”
“Don’t get too in his
face.”
“Sorry, I kind of have really badterrible
social skills.”
“You’re actually a lot
like me.”
“I hoped this would work,
but I
had no clue
of the outcome, soidea what would happen. I hope you
don’t mind that I took a risk?”…”
“Well I do a bit. You
have messed me about over the years”
“I understand that
completely, but you have with me too and, as I had no
idea where I was initially what we would go through guys.”
“I guess I just missed
you all!”
“There are ways….”
“Yes, I know, but
interventions are spontaneous and they happen for a purposereason!”
“I may call it a game,
but it’s the easiest way to keep this socially friendly!”
“You are a little You’re kind
of funny!”
“I’d like to say that I’m
one of the special ones!”
“At least you don’t want to let your
life to pass you by, anymore.”
“I’ve only started to
realise how I sound to you sometimes, so please. Please, just
ignore it.”
“That’s because you never
stop, and you’re always so stressed.”
“That’s nice of you to say.”
“I’m working on this
project and when I’m on a high, it’s the bestan amazing
time for inspiration. And thankyouI want to thank
all of you.”
“How can you be this strong?”
“That’s what I’m trying
to teach you.”
“Bless you, I never knew that you
were like this!”
“No, toTo
be honest, I had no idea of what you arewere
like,
either.
But, but I’m happy with what I know so
far.”
“He loves her to pieces.”
“You kept saying that you
needed him.”
“I did, …in
a way that not a lot ofmany people knew
or understood. When things got bad, I would just think of him and it would get
me back on track.”
“You’re so cute!”
“And weird, I know!”
“She’s fallen for him
bad!”
“It’s helpful when you’re
around.”
“Thanks.”
“I amI’m
a bit addicted!”
“Me to, but that’s nothing
to be ashamed of!”.”
“You need to stop showing
off though!”
“I knew that she
fancied him.”
“Well, it was kind of obvious.”
“Well, why has it taken
you so long to do something about it?”
“I thought I’d scared him
away for
life,.
I’m a bit of a character!”
“You areYou’re
quite cute, though!”
“I don’t really know what
to say now.”
Chapter 14
2007 - The complicationComplication
After the hospital,
my career was booming once again. I wrote “Already goneGone”
for Kelly Clarkson and even helped to co- create
the new heartbeat feature. One other success is having huge involvementAnother of
my major successes was playing such a large part in the “Dark
Side” imagery for the video. I came up with a lot of influencesthe ideas
for it. I’veI
helped her create a few tracks as welltoo.
Unfortunately though, throughdue to our difficulties
communicating, quite a lot offew songs began
to leak.
I and. This has happened because I was
unaware of what was up for YouTube release, and sometimes I would have seen
that the wrong one was added. BUZZ! Then Kelly did so many, there were so many
problems, Kelly had to have some videos removed as they were pirate. Kelly and I have
a professional boundbond like no
other,
which is why I take her work very seriously. She is a very busy ladywoman,
and having just shot “the heartbeatThe Heartbeat”
song, I decided to write a book about the controversial side of Kelly
Clarkson actually is with a linkand its
connection to my own life. Unfortunately, she is
suffering through a lot of abuse from the press
at the moment with, handling lie
after lie that is coming out about her.
Kelly is not the kind type of
person to put up with all thethose kinds of
stories,
and I’m the oneperson that helps
to help
guide and direct her.
2015 – Open your eyesYour Eyes
Waking up is not alleverything
it’s cracked up to be. It…it’s even
better! You can live a lie your whole life, but then
a voice comeswill
suddenly come to you in your sleep.
“They’ve been here.” A mere whisper in my head. But why?
One day,
I will completely understand. Firstly, the war was on,
oneand although
it was small to begin with, however ait lasted
far too longer
one. Both pullinglong, putting strain on friends and
foes.
You alike. You’d think that would think itbe
impossible to inter-relate, however,interrelate,
but everything is connected somehow. All lost in athe
midst of tabloids.
Only he will be the
one tocan end the suffering that I’m
feeling right now.
2007 – Hospital
Because JoJo failed to
stay on top, withI suffered a hugelyhuge
public breakdown, because as soon as one of my alter egos falls, I fall. I had
to stay in hospital for three months, which is when sober was designed. I was
not in hospital for drink or drug abuse, just chronic bipolar type 2. This
could be seen as the better one as you get more highs, but believe me they are
exhausting and embarrassing when you come back down to earth. I picked one
little sentence for Kelly and she wasran away with it; “picked: “Picked
all my weeds, but kept the flowers.” She created a song just from this.
It was dark and there
were only three halls. EverybodyEveryone was
horrible
to me, apart from one nurse. There was one guy who was unspeakable.unspeakably
cruel. He would give you 4 huge pills and an egg cupa tiny eggcup
full of water to take all of them all with.
He also grabbed me by the
wrists and threw me on the bed and said;
, saying, “You
stay there, and behave and no. No
more television till you do. .”
I had no idea what the
fool was on about.
I mean, are you kidding. And the? The
cameras,
making just put you feel soup
on display. OnlyI only agreed with
the one’sones
that displayallowed me
some dignity I agreed with.. I felt watched
all the time, even like they were leaching onleeching off
of me or something. One woman would keepkept
looking into the shower room when I was in there and.
I hated it. I felt abused, rather than protected.
“Will you sod off?” I
yelled. I still think to this day she
deserved that one.
Ever since then, I
hate showering in public showers.
The worst part,
however, was being abused, – not just physically abused,
but molested. The guy was old enough to be my dad, but I did like him before it
happened. Whenever, he was on a late shift, he would order
a takeaway. But thisthe kind heated-hearted
man that deliveredate pizza every
Friday was not as he seemed. He was an abuser, –
someone who preyspreyed on
vulnerable people. One night I came out of my room as,
I couldn’t sleep and askedcame out of my room, and
stopped for a quick chat. with him.
“Come and sit ondown
here then,
I didn’t really know, so
I just shrugged. The side cupboard for his tea splintered from underneath when
he laid his tea on it.
“Are you ok?”okay?” Reece
asked
Reece.
“Just a littlebit
restless!” I moaned
That was when it
happened. The man I once called Reece was on the prowl and.
I could see it in his eyes. The fear started to
build up in my stomach.
“Just, come and
sit down here a minute, Jodie!”
I was too delirious to
know why. He began to unbutton his trousers and.
I winced and pulled back.
“It’s ok, everyone’sokay. Everyone’s
asleep,
and you. You won’t get in trouble.” I sat silentsilently,
looking him up and down. That was when he put his hand behind my head and forced
me onto himselfhim.
I wanted him to stop, but he was the one with allin total control.
He knew what he wanted and he wasn’t letting me go without a fight.
After the indecentfinished
that disgusting act, he said,
“Don’t tell anyone, we’re. We’re
friends, and
we both wanted it!”
When I finally got
out, I wantedhad to
work hard
to dominatecontrol my
thoughts,
as I had never experienced such an awful series of events. I was not
goingrefused to let that piece of scum ruin
my life.
The whole point of this
book is to gethelp the true
Kelly Clarkson to come out. Well Kelly grew
up in a small town just like me and was a fly awayrunaway
teen that
was ready for a fabulous journey. Only thisthat
part of the story is all a littlebit of fiction.
Kelly Clarkson is what we would call an advert. A advertisement.
Granted, she’s a very hard worker who is worth respecting. She’sdeserves
respect, but some parts of her story have been enhanced. She had
worked at several bars and has flown all over the world with people
catching there eye on her. She . This is where
my belief of my ego tests me. The loss of memory through my traumas not
helping.
She was unaware of all of the attention. that she
received everywhere she went. To Kelly, she is not Kelly, she’s an
ordinary girl and to hell with what the name says. I believe it to be five letters.
It’s the content of her work and the meaning behind it that makes her so
special. Kelly was a mystery for years, she was –
a foreverperpetual
disappearing act. That girl has more to do with me than you may be able to believe.
We both started life the same way. Karaoke bars, and fun
gigs! We were just ordinary people with a secretsecrets
and songswe used music
to cover up that secret. We were still both
born to entertain. Ironically, she lives an honest, normal life, just
like me. There is a voice and there is a Kelly Clarkson and there is a voice in
Jodie Mann. It’s hard to know where we end and we meet sometimes. In her videos,
there is not a shred of evil in her. We are both very good girls. When people
are subjected
tosuffering a double life, it’sit can be
hard to convince people. That’s the hardest.them of the
hard
truth. I have been the fantasist for too long, it was never a
reality. Not literally. I should thinkwould imagine
that Kelly is fed up withtired of our designed life divide..
There was aone
girl in the hospital that I really did not get onalong
with. She did what the same thing that I
did, –
stare. But
that didn’t bother,That wasn’t what bothered me, as I
could understand that. It was that she has such ahad the
tendency to snap. Since the hospital, I
have had thisa problem where I
undergo
rapid metamorphosis. As the staff at the hospital knew I had this
way of looking at things that was a spring for an opportunity for me to act out. And this
girl, I was gentle with. But, whenever I tried to talk to her, she would scream
at me. Everyone fell out with her in the end and I almost became the leader of
the friends on the ward. I stood up to her, so people respected me for that.. Some
of these people were cruel and I knew how to get under their skin. Sometimes, I
say, I got on their nerves so much that I made an escape route without them
even caring.
I was gentle with this girl,
but whenever I tried to talk to her, she would scream at me. Everyone fell out
with her eventually, and I basically became the leader of the friends on the
ward. I stood up to that one girl, and people respected me for that.
And I’m back. I to you,
them over there, and I am the room itself. Merry-go-rounds,
7 in a life, my chief, myself, my mother, and the wise man.
I will see them all soon. I was soSo lost in my
feelings,.
I’ve lost all sense of self.
Blank.
Chapter 15
My Education
2000 – 2005
10 GCSE’S
Dance College
First diploma in dance
Norwich City College
Health studies
Norwich writing School
Access to Writing
Attempted Forensics and
Reflexology
2011
Office Skills level 1
2013
Level 2 Apprenticeship in
Business and administration
To commence
BaHons in Social Sciences
Some of the other
career experience I have been involvedis in is, waitressing,
door -to -door
service, bar work, caring, music/ (mainly writing
songs),
and some freelance directing help.
My life changes on
such anseems to change often occasion,
but currently
this is my current agenda. As you may realise, myself and Kelly
and I have
certain
influences, this is on one another, mainly
because of the transition effect. This having great effect on the intervention
speech. You getbecome settled
with a familiar. As familiar is a heartbeat. I’m Kelly’s. I was one of the few who haspeople with
the golden rule book and the key to be able to find
mine. Kelly decided what to call out upon with the heartbeat rule as it was her
choice to use the design. There has been lies about her, like her death, lately,
one rumour was that she would use technology to change her voice, this was what
the heartbeat rule was doing at first. Picking on celebrities in a way of most
disrespect. Their voice is their business. So, Kelly turned it around and
decided to make a new heartbeat claim on her baby River-Rose. She thought it
best to say what it really was, before someone could prove it’s not her voice.
This is why she is an advert because she has a courage that cannot be faltered.
A typical day for me, I’m means being
up at 7, havetaking a shower
and having
breakfast. I shower and get up. Then,
I blast
on theopen my laptop. and get
started. My network is beginning to build highgrow,
almost to the point, that I can’t
always reply to everyone. I was awarded a prize
for a piece of work that I created, toand it will
appear in vogueVogue
Australia. I was ecstatic. Anyway, there are many
sites that
I use to research for my blog. It is directly leaning
towards, which discusses fashion. trends and
news. The link for my site is stress…whatstress.tumblr.com.
Because
to be fair whatIt makes sense, right? What girl could
be stressed if she has a new outfit to take a photo ofin
every day? That’s what my blog is all about. I’d love to see what you’re wearing
today. I spend an hour working on ideas for my blog, andfollowed by
an hour working on ideas for polyvore, which is interrelatingalso related
to my blog. Polyvore is a place to make collages either for fun or for business
and I have just took on an SEO social media position, so I will now be using it
for business. For future work, projects or, and
opportunities, I have a portfolio of my
fashion montages. But allAll of this may
sound like I have a lot of money., but I still
need to work a normal job. My social networking is voluntary. And I only have
a small activities are mainly for myself and others, not
for income. I have very little influence in the massive music
industry. I tend to see myself now as a writer to be-in-training.
Those Deserving of Thanks
My mother was unfortunately torn
upapart
by my family’s breakdown, with in addition to me
also suffering
from bipolar
disorder. I needed someone to talk it through my problems with. Someone, but I
needed someone my own age, why I feltsomeone who
might understand. That person was Ryan. He was so nice, but we always had
our wires crossed. He was always there, though when I
needed him. It was almost like having an imaginary friend just for during my
episodes. Although, this is my creation time, soThose are
also my creative times; every time I have an episode, I’m out ofI leave
reality and there we go, – that’s my work!
Ryan helped me channel this.
2008 - The dealDeal
“Look, I’m a busy man,.
I don’t have time for games!”
I looklooked
around this tidy office and it feels . It felt like it’s almost a
scene out of fifty shadesFifty
Shades of greyGrey. I’m haunted, there’s. There’s
a hole in my life and I want him to save me.
“OkOkay,
I need a hand, all. All you have to
do is read this declaration and sign at the bottom.”
Little did I know that it
was a much better declaration to sign than my hospital deferral form??
“You know who I am and I
don’t need you to sign this, but it may take you somewhere that you deserve
to go!”
“But, sir!”
“Jodie, this is your
contract,
don’t. Don’t miss out, on this
chance. I don’t do thisit for everyone!”
I swallowed hard in exasperaperationexasperation
and signed
in excitement and. I left immediately,
closing the door behind me. Hidden beneath the depths of my lostforgotten
persona, I weaken at the thought of my encounter. This is me, these. These
kinds of things don’t happen to me,. I’d never
impressed anyone at an interview. Especially, before, especially
not one of the greats in the music industry. He was kind of good -looking
too!
“Don’t mix work with
pleasure,” I hearheard myself say.
And there was that gulp again. Forget it, Jodie, just. Just forget it.
Go to work and act like it’s ajust another
normal day!
12/12/2014 – Diary entryEntry 3
Another pit of sadness, …why
does this happen to me so much, however? But this time is a
little harder. It’s hit me, – my life, and
everything that happened. I’m in a time warp. It’s the weirdest of feelingsfeeling.
However, the voice in my head is different this time,;
it is helping me to realise that I’m worth a lot and.
I occasionally gethave pathetic
teenage giggles. It’s fun in a waysometimes to
laugh at nostalgia, but it can also get out of
control. Luckily, this time I caught the mood quick quickly this
time and am just left with a feeling of happiness and contentcontentment.
These feelings usually appear when I’m well, however
unusually but this time, after my sickness this time,
I feel like
I can apply myself and achieve a lotmuch
more than I ever have before.
The Conversation 3
“Why don’t you talk?”
“Don’t know what to say?”
“This is why we feel
awful!”
“You weren’t supposed to
know.”
“That’s why I movemoved
on.”
“Don’t hurry him.”
“I never knew you thought
of us this way.”
“You should have doneknown.”
“Admit it, you need me?”.”
“Yes!”
“I’m a rubbish father!”
“I’m sure that you’re
not!”
“I know it’s hard.”
“I respect that!”
“Why did you try to
commit suicide?”
“That was years ago, it. It
was a cry for help.”
“What was worrying you?”
“I just wasn’t happy.”
“You never told us that.”
“I’m not horrible you
know!”
“I’ve heard and seen how
upset and lonely you areyou’ve been
lately
at the moment.”
“Sorry, now I’m
upsetting you too!”
“No, look …there
are details of my life that you don’t need to know right now,
but I do want to share a voicethem with you one
day.”
I don’t think either Ryan
or myself knowknew where we
were going with this. Both of our lives were a littlebit
complicated.
I think that I
blame myself for everything because I was such a spoilt child and I had
nothing to moan about. I was quite athe drama queen.
I lay in bed one cold
December evening and begin to write, but not just writelike normal.
I really
write. A leaf falls in the darkness, and I watch it fall from a tree outside in
my garden. Memories stagerslam hard into my mind
and I begin to write a, as though I’ll never
stop. I remember when life washad been so much
simpler. I would wind up Ryan, and he would
wind me up, right back – a
friendly game. Nights out, followed by work
the next day. Back then, I could hack that pace, but as I’ve
grown as
a person,up, I’ve seen that a career is a lot
more important. I was a wild child, but I always had a
taste for a great career in mind. Nowthe future. I won’t
drown, now.
I will be strong again.
Emotions subside.
My cat hisses in the corner of my room, it’s from the
interventions. They scare him. Every time onean
intervention occurs, he gets anxious, so
I pick him up and he lays asleep with me all night until I wake
the next daymorning. Then,
all of a sudden my cat makes an awful hissing sound. Like he’s under stress. It
frightened me. My heart skips a beat. I feel his fear. I feel like I’m making a
big mistake about something, like I’m falling down a rabbit hole. Of late, I’ve
been tense. I feel like I’m alone, crying, wanting, needing. However a swift
sense of passion moves through me. My shoulders tense but a voice says;
Chapter 16
2007 – My December
As a close confidantconfidante
of Kelly Clarkson’s, I would even say her anchor, (go -to -girl),
I am always
am one
of the first people to get her album handed straitstraight
to me. Unfortunately, during the production of the third album three,
I became very sick and was handedgiven the CD in
hospital. As I wasn’tNot being out
there enjoying it, itthe release practically
killed me. I smashed itthe cd to the
floor and broke down.Kellly Kelly has always
worked with me in a way to enhance the sound of
both our current situations. I think thislives, which
is why My December has become as a bit of a shock for people. There were mellow
beats, and
sad tones and itthat didn’t
really wasn’tsound like
Kelly. AlthoughThat being
said, the collaborative era of myprocess for
My December between myselfKelly and KellyI
was an awful time for both of us both!
When we can’t indirectindirectly
or directly work together, a sound sometimes emerges that is a littlesomewhat
unexpected. Well, let’sLet’s admit it, Kelly’s
tried every style under the sun. She has even rapped to an Eminem song
induring a
concert before. “My December” is not a sound
that represents Kelly or myself onin our usual
terms. And
itIt is thealso her
album with the leastlowest ratings.
18 December 2015
I’m lying in bed andwhen
I have a thought. This guy of mine never knew and neither did I,
technically speaking. I walked passed him and dropped my keys. We both just
carried on walking. As much as I wish he would’vewould have
looked back, he didn’t. I can’tcan never
get his attention at the right times. Even thoughso,
I know littlesome
of his skeletons,soul –
he’s one of the special ones. My old diary entries were just anfilled with
endless lines of rubbish that had no meaning, just about the boys that’s
I would stupidly crush on. I don’t want to forever fall into that trap. It will
happen, when it happens. Ryan never appeared in real life as when he
was ondid in
my mind, but he was in there, not just on
paper. I was a stupid teenager, that’swhich is probably
why I made such a mess of everything. I’m fed up ofwith
the pain and I think he is too.
29/3/2007 Diary entry Entry 4
Barry just called me and
I’m still
really into him still. It. The phone call
cut off before I could pick it up.
Oh, by the way, Luke
dumped me, boo. Too bad for
him! So
I’m single and ready to battle the world again! I’ll catch Barry
later.
KC’s anchor – quick fire questionsAnchor – Quick-Fire Questions
Why did you get sick?
Good question. It was a
mixture of a family breakdown and difficulties at school.
Do you think, that
you’ll ever tour with Kelly?
I would like to, but it’s
downup
to the boss and Kelly herself. Before, I was notwasn’t
old enough to handle the pressure.
What made you want to be
in the music industry?
Plain and simple,:
that’s all I ever did and I loved it.
Have you wrotewritten
any songs?
Yes, I wrote, “Already
Gone” for Kelly Clarkson and co-wrote a couple others. I also had some
influence in her music videos.
Why are you her anchor?
Because I was originally
the face
of the label and I have the right to step in ifit
needed to
help, but it’sI think of it
more like work experience for me still.
Have you appeared in any
videos?
Yes, in low.“Low”.
That was it. I was the girl you see for a split -second
sitting on her car. “Low” was Kelly’s
debut, which is why I was there, but it had to be hers, –
I couldn’t cope.
What’s the deal with Kelly’s
dad?
I’m afraid, that
everyone wants to know that, but it is completely confidential information. The
only thing I can say is he isthat he’s a good
man.
2012 – I had a famedfamous
childhood, but for all the wrong reasons. This is when the metamorpasismetamorphosis
was becoming a little ridiculous and it was hurting totoo
many people. This must be one of the hardest years yet. As you now understand,
I had a mildly famedfamous childhood and, but
couldn’t make head or tailtails of my personapersonality.
However,
I lost my cousin, age 40, to cancer the year ofin
2012
and that, which put a huge strain on the controversyalready
challenging nature of my work. Standing over someone half-wayand saying
goodbye when they are only halfway through their life is
preposterous. I remember him giving me a bracelet for my christening. I loved
it, but
it’s lost now. AIt is a gift
never to be recovered, but I will always hold the memory of it in my heart.
I feltcan
sometimes feel him say,
“That isn’t what is
important, you’re. You’re happy
and I’m still looking after you, so there is no need for tears.”
I loved him dearly, as my
cousin and as my godfather. His son is a true credit
to him. That year, the heartbreak wasn’t over. Mary,
his wife,
also died, that November. Because of the KC
wrap-up, news spread that Kelly Clarkson had died. Which, which
is obviously untrue. This was a viscous rumour and actually I was going through
a hard time myself. It was just a meshbig mess
of problems going on for us both at the same time.
And
forFor the record, that is what a heartbeat
was leaning in towards being used for. Kelly now has a child that is involved
in the heartbeatHeartbeat
project. I instantly helpedknew that I wanted to help
with the idea of stronger“Stronger”,
because that was the year my cousin died of cancer and I was all on boarddesperately
wanted to raise some money for charity. It was just a fun video
to take
away from make out of such a sad theme and I think Ieven
taught Kelly a few of her moves in that video! The
whole team should be very proud!
Chapter 17
The controlControl
Blank.
I’m there, in a
place I never thought existed, – a houseHouse
of horrorsHorrors.
I came to
a,here, but how todo I
get out? Everyone else just kept on living accept, except
the others keepingkeep their
working lives in control. I was a mile from the street. Home and home
became my haven. This is, because my
usual methods
of control had temporarily lost all means of holdstopped
working.
Rewind.
“YourYou’re
loved by
so many people,” my mother would try to help. I never believed in
myself. That’s the reason everything always fallsseems to
fall spectacularly to pieces. Maybe that’s why my offer for a
record deal went down the pan. Although, I havedrain. Yes,
I’ve managed to write down plenty of ideas,
and lyrics, and I also helped
Kelly Clarkson with her track, “Already Gone!” I’m always happiest when I’m singing
and writing,. I take myself
away from athe place where I
can be hurt or tormented. I actuallytruly live a secret
double life. You see the street and the TV as the same, thing;
it looks the same, right. But?
Unfortunately, they are completely different worlds. Television
has a set of golden rules that only a few know how to break intopast.
But when fame hit’s, it’s likehits, you’re suddenly in
a foreign homecountry. I was
never a person to communicate greatlythat
communicated well, so I use my music as a way of releasing
anguish, pain, and whatever else I’m feeling
at the time.
I remember being
laughed at back in school for being laughed at for being different,
but now
I know it’sthat was
just jealousy. They’ll be the ones that eventually say “congratulations”
with a hint of envy, and then the ones who
will try
to bring you down. They are just not worth
listening tooto. However, in
any business, if you become successful, there a
grainscertain things have to be taken with a grain
of salt
thrown over your shoulder.. You simply smile,
laugh,
and carry on.
“You’re a good kid, Jodie,.
I see a great future ahead of you!” Lucy said with a smile.
That’s all it’s ever took with metakes
to get me up and running again. You won’t believe the amount of times that I’ve
stumbled,
but I always and managed
to gracefully pick myself up again.
“You don’t know how
special you are, do you? Lucy statedasked, grinning.
A tear fellrolled
down my face, and she wipedreached over
to wipe it away and .
I just said;
, “Thanks.”
I went to yet another interview
yesterday and I was done. Ionce again saw the fleeting
memory in myself in anothera young girl. As much as
I’d wished to tell her she’d be fine, it needed to be left unsaid. I adrift
from the scene in my mind.
“All of your friends are
freaked by your behaviour,” my father stuttered awkwardly.
My behaviour was a little
off,;
even I knew that.
“No more damn psychologists!
I’m fine!!”
My parents have always tried
to protect me a little totoo much. In life,
that isn’t always helpful, but friends have , of late, really
drawn me out of myself lately. Sometimes, I feel imso
lucky to have started looking into a career, rather than not doing what I
wanted. You know I only have one regret?
Finally,
as I have no children, partner, or specific direction really.
No one wants to leave things till there tountil it’s too
late.
I pointed to usher my dad
totowards
the pantry.
“All your friends are starting
to feel cut off.”
“ThereThey’re
cutting me off dad and if, Dad. If you and
mum were
to ever let me go out, I might actually get two minutes
to speak to them!”
“Look, you know that your
mother’smother is
only protecting you.”
“From what, there not? There
aren’t wild animals at school, dad, yesDad! Yes,
I get picked on, but I can cope with a few idiots that have no idea what theirthey’re
talking about!”
“Just take a breath,
Jodie!”
“I’m fine, but please let
me go to school more,. I’ll be fine!”
“Anyway, why are you so
upset lately?”
“Dad, I just have
a crush and he hates me,. I’ll get over
it!”
“I don’t know what to do,about all
that, but all I can say is, if it’s right, its right!”
It all hurts so
much.
Everything.
Chapter 18
The conversation 4
“You started it.”
“You’re acting like two school
childrenschoolchildren again!”
“I think you’re really poorlyill
at the moment.”
He fell.
I have Christmas in my
head, as a memory wasthat I had
missed.
“It’s just so much fun to
be with you.”
“You should write about what’s
bothering you and it. It might help.” My,” my
mother once said.
I did that once. AnIt was an
unread letter, and when itI
finished burning it, I was left with one little piece.
No
word of a lieHonestly, all it readsaid was,
“Don’t do it, friend!”
I was terrified and
intrigued at the same time, but I think itthat
was my first clue that the intervention would work one daysomeday.
“It’s just so much fun to
be with you.”
“Will I remember you?”
“Maybe not”.”
“But if it’s meant to be,
a burnt letter can still be received.”
“You shouldn’t try so
hard to make me happy.”
“Well, I deliberatelyalways
try to make myself happy,. I onlyjust
want you to join me.”
“I still don’t know how
to act around you.”
“You’ll learn. It’s not
that hard, “.”
I smile.
“Just be you.”
The notesNotes
Note 1
It comes on, like a light
bulb. I know it’s there, but I don’t want it. The bipolar begins to drift into
a faze. I have actually written lyrics for other artists,? I don’t get
paid
for my work, but it is a possible welcome deal, it’s there, but
for my help.
Said I wouldn’t come/but
I need you now/and I don’t know how/I can do without/I just need you now
Recognise it? Of course,
it’s Lady antebellumAntebellum. I
co-created thisthat chorus.
Note 2
In the music industry, to
get respect, you need to show a bit more of who you are!
Note 3
The originally Kelly
Clarkson label was awarded to me when I was 19,
which is why the label is called 19. It isIt’s
my label, but it isit’s Kelly
Clarkson’s job. To earn my keep, I do several different jobs
and have become popular with social media. I occasionally give Kelly ideas for
videos, and
songs,
and general
inspirationgenerally try to inspire her. Now, I
would probably
say, I would like to continue working in the writing industry, but
I’d
prefer to take a back seat and work wherever a job will take me!
To be honest, I think that at 26, I need to focus
more on being grounded and look totowards the
future,
because I will be takingembarking on a
social science degree in the October of this year.
A noteNote
for my
blogMy Blog
The recent months past have
been a rollercoaster of emotions, yet Groundhog Day is seemingly steeringrearing
its ugly head in the opposite direction. With spring on its way, I thought I
would use my time wisely and write this biography. Weirdly, I first cleared theout my
wardrobe. Secondly, hadI did a spring
clean,
third and then bought some new clothes. And then aA
surprise job offer also appeared, which I’mI
always appreciate of. As soon as the work begins to
flow, I willknow that
I’ll get lost again.
The well voiceVoice
I was at one point Kelly,
from years 2003-2008, until the pressure became too much to tour, posted under
this name so this is when a model Kelly Clarkson had to step in for the shows,.
I was looking to begin a career in this industry. I did a couple of gigs around
Norwich and thought that I was on my way, however,but
I was fired from the responsibility due to my
illness and the fact that I washad been
institutionalised. It isThat’s not somethinginformation
that I really wanted to be published to the public, however, but
it became a huge deal. I was institionilisedinstitutionalised
for severe bipolar and now, so I wanted you
to know my truth. I do not want a life ofwhere
people believing
what is not truebelieve lies about my identity or
character. I also have written this book as a stand for my
father
and mother, who hashave always been
there,
as my mother has and they for me. They
both were effectedaffected by my
problems and they protected me from the public as, because
it was a tragedytragic circumstance
and no one knew how to handle it. ButHowever, recently,
my memory has returned and I simply can’t bear the thought of one
more badcruel
word being
said about me or my family or me. I am
Jodie Mann and this. This is who I
am proud to be. Kelly was unfortunately a backup in case this were to happen,
however the whole collaboration of the voice, the business and the ideas for
music were driven by a large team of experts.
The Final gameGame
*The phone rings*
Epilogue
I have had several
breakdowns in my life, usually confusing my delusions with reality. The
conversations in the text, convey the voices I experienced during my breakdown.
Each episode is slightly different, and I experience different problems each
time. I always confuse myself with a real life singer-songwriter who I greatly
admire. I have experienced, so far in my life, delusions, and ideas that are
not really true. Unfortunately, bipolar disorder is heredity, and I will
probably always suffer it lifelong. I wrote this story to deal with emotions I
was struggling with at the time and the reason for me doing so was to have a
better understanding of myself and my illness.
I am Jodie Mann. 
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